In February of 2009 I joined Facebook. I was a relatively late joiner. I had heard about it and was initially not interested at all. “What’s the point?” I thought. “Why not just email or call or visit friends to keep in touch?” Now, eleven years later, I’ve come full circle.
I saw the best and worst of social media. The best included getting scores of well-wishes on my birthday, or sharing a life event and having several friends commiserate or cheer me on within hours of posting. Or doing the same for someone else. The best of Facebook felt like attending a little party with all the people I liked, near or sometimes very far away, and everyone cared about my stories and laughed at my jokes. And I did the same for them. I loved that part of Facebook.
The worst part of Facebook included seeing a side of friends I wished I could unsee (usually related to politics and world events). Respect lost. Sometimes actual friendships lost, but in most cases they weren’t the highest quality friendships in my life. A friend of a friend that I’d never met. A high school classmate that even after accepting their friendship request I couldn’t quite place. Still, the unfollowing or unfriending always left me with a bad feeling. There was a “so there!” aspect of it that felt great in the moment, but not so great afterward.
The worst part of Facebook also included the fact that it could be used very easily to compare my own life against the lives of others. And of course I could find mine wanting, because how can my boring job and 15 pound weight gain possibly stand up against the 72 pictures of Susan’s amazing trip to Madrid? Of course what I didn’t know is that she spent the entire trip to Madrid annoyed with her other half and that she hasn’t had sex since 2012 and is beginning to question her life choices.
Maybe.
Or maybe she had a fabulous time, just not quite as fabulous as the pictures suggest.
Or maaaaaaybe – maybe the trip was absolutely fabulous, full stop. And maybe Susan’s also pretty darn happy with her life.
But aren’t I pretty darn happy also? And don’t I also take fun trips now and then? Oh, yeah. I do. And is my job actually boring? Well, no…
It’s insidious, how social media invites us to compare our blooper reel to other people’s highlights. As Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Suffice it to say, I found that social media was no longer enhancing my life. It wasn’t the fault of social media per se; it was the person I became when I hung around with social media. Social media was a bad influence on me.
In the summer of 2018 I decided to take a break. Immediately upon deactivating my Facebook and Instagram accounts I felt a difference. I felt free. But I also felt a little isolated. Feeling the dreaded FOMO juuuuuust a bit. Plus, my mother was still on Facebook and I liked to put up pictures and cute animal videos that I thought she might like to see. I also was the admin of a Facebook group I started called “Nourish and Flourish” which was really enjoyable. So, I went back, but to a lesser extent. I deleted the apps for Facebook and Instagram from my phone and put parental controls on so that I wouldn’t be tempted to access the websites through my mobile browser (and promptly forgot my parental control password – oops). I only went on Facebook at home on my iPad. Occasionally I thought about quitting for good, but I couldn’t gain any momentum toward actually leaving. It was like always promising yourself to start that diet on Monday, but never quite following through.
There was no major event that finally made me quit. Well, the impending 2020 election had something to do with it. I didn’t want to go through the social media dramas of 2016 again. And then in an airport book store I found a slim volume by Jaron Lanier titled, “Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now.” Here are his ten arguments:
- You are losing your free will.
- Quitting social media is the most finely targeted way to resist the insanity of our times.
- Social media is making you into an asshole.
- Social media is undermining truth.
- Social media is making what you say meaningless.
- Social media is destroying your capacity for empathy.
- Social media is making you unhappy.
- Social media doesn’t want you to have economic dignity.
- Social media is making politics impossible.
- Social media hates your soul.
Jaron Lanier is a techie’s techie. He is the guy that basically invented virtual reality, and he currently works at Microsoft Research as an interdisciplinary scientist. So, when I found out that he eschews all social media, I had to buy and read this book. I devoured it over the course of a couple days, and it was just the push I needed to leave social media behind.
Do I miss it? Not really. Not enough to seriously consider ever going back. I’ve gained time in my day to do things like write to people (letters, cards, emails, messenger, texts), read more (although I could be better at this), and start a blog! I’m enjoying interacting with people either one-on-one or in a small group environment (either in person or through technology). It feels more natural to me, and my social life feels more manageable.
A funny thing happened when I started telling all my friends that I would be quitting Facebook (it’s important, especially for someone like me with a tricky health history, not to suddenly go dark on social media – people start to worry). More than a couple friends called my decision “brave.” Almost everyone said, “I totally understand why you’re doing this.” Can you imagine people saying that to you in any other social context? Or rather, can you imagine people saying that to you in any social context that is supposed to be enjoyable?
Now, I know that many people do feel that social media enhances their lives. If that is you, wonderful – you are probably a better person than I and can avoid the pitfalls! However, if you feel that social media is dragging you down instead of lifting you up, just know that there is life after social media.
