gratitude

May 2, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

A Difficult Week

I want to preface this post by stating that I am fully aware that my “difficult week” pales to nothingness compared with that of people who are currently unemployed, employed in dangerous jobs, sick, mourning the loss of a loved one – you get the picture. I am incredibly grateful for my life, warts and all. This time of COVID-19 is challenging for all of us though, and it’s probably not helpful to shame ourselves for feeling out-of-sorts just because others have it much, much worse.

On Tuesday I received a message from my biggest blog fan – my step-daughter Chloe. “No blog updates! I’m getting withdrawals.“ Unfortunately, I had trouble with my Messenger app this week and didn’t see her message until this morning. It was that type of week all around. As is probably true for most difficult weeks, several different factors contributed to making it so, and these factors also kept me from posting anything here until yesterday.

First of all, it was a full-on work week. I am now on my (remote) work computer a generous 40+ hours a week, and my department is in the middle of one of our busy seasons. We’re in charge of getting quarterly statements out, among other things, and although most of the first quarter 2020 statements have already gone out, we’re now trying to get the trickier ones ready to go. Over the course of the last week I prepared 313 of the 500+ that I need to sort out. Statement time has a certain amount of pressure associated with it, but like most things, I am the one who puts the most pressure on myself. I’m just a teeeeeny bit competitive, too, so let’s just pile on that internally-generated stress as well. I can’t help myself. When I worked crappy assembly-line jobs with my best friend Beth during high school and college, we would inevitably get into productivity wars with each other that tended to teeter on the knife edge between friendly competition and bitter rivalry.

So, work’s been challenging. That’s one thing.

Something else that weighed on me this week was the arrival of May 1st. Now, I knew better than to think that with May 1st would come some form of normality. Back in mid-March when this all began, May did seem sufficiently far in the future that the idea of a new normal emerging in May appeared plausible. And governor DeWine has outlined a cautious plan for reopening Ohio, which began with okay-ing elective surgeries and opening up stores (both with caveats). But even with the governor’s OK, I don’t feel like it’s safe enough out there to do anything but my grocery shopping. I mean, nothing’s changed with respect to the virus – it’s still out there as much as it was on April 30. So, we continue to hunker down, and I am incredibly grateful that I work for a company that follows DeWine’s guidance to a T. We are not only continuing to work from home (with a few exceptions), but they have bought us all new computers to help us work from home more easily (many of us have pieced together decidedly sub-standard work stations from whatever computers we had at home).

But even though all this is good from the prospect of what is most important – my health and the health of my family, friends, and neighbors – I am tired. This marathon is wearing me down.

I was scheduled to see my oncologist yesterday (actually my oncologist’s nurse practitioner – I don’t see my actual oncologist again unless the cancer comes back, so I hope I never see her lovely face again). That appointment usually brings with it a little stress, and this time it had to be accomplished over the phone. Not ideal. I sort of rely on the nurse practitioner giving me my gold star each visit after a thorough physical exam to carry me over to the next appointment (they started off every three months and now we are down to every six months). When we were wrapping up the call and she said, “OK, we’ll schedule you to come see me in six months” I whined, “I won’t see you for six months???” So now I have an in-person appointment scheduled for July. Squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Finally, although I have seen the death toll get larger and larger every day since this thing first hit my consciousness (I screen-shot the Johns Hopkins figures every night, remember?), it really hit home this week. A coworker lost not only her elderly mother, but a not-elderly cousin within the last two weeks, both from coronavirus. When I received her email, I immediately started crying. It was like someone turned on a switch and I fully understood that this is real. This is not something going on “out there.” It shook me, and I remain shaken. And when I went grocery shopping on Thursday and swung by the greeting card aisle to buy a Mother’s Day card and card of condolence for my coworker, I saw this:

Now, I had seen similar photos in news updates, but I always sort of thought the photos were taken in places like New York and New Jersey, not in tiny midwestern suburbs.

I know that I need to come to grips with this situation, because not only does it look like I may be working from home through the rest of spring and summer, but we will be continuing to hunker down regardless of what is technically allowed by the government for at least another couple of months (to be re-evaluated if the situation changes). I’ve dealt with the concept of “new normal” before with my cancer, but there’s a difference here. The new normal I am living due to my experience with cancer is a life-long new normal. I will never have breasts again; I will never have a life in which I don’t immediately think “cancer” (even if it’s for a split second) when I get a headache; I will never be able to be carefree about drinking a margarita on a Saturday night. Those changes range from mildly annoying to traumatic, but they are permanent, and therefore easier for me to adjust to. The current situation we are in is not only temporary but of uncertain length. Presumably we will be able to go back to our pre-coronavirus lifestyle when a vaccine is readily available. Whenever that is. But maybe we’ll feel comfortable doing some of the things we used to enjoy, like going to the library or having a coffee in a coffee shop, sooner than that. I really don’t know. And that is what makes this so hard.

But today is Saturday. I’m not turning on my work computer. The sun is shining. I’m finishing up a small jigsaw puzzle that I’m loving. We’re making our own chicken wings tonight to have while we watch a movie (I’m thinking maybe the new Emma). We are incredibly privileged and lucky to be healthy and safe, and that is what I am going to dwell on for the rest of today.

Love,

Michelle xoxo

April 13, 2020April 13, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

I keep a gratitude journal. It’s just a blank notebook, nothing special. It’s a particularly jazzy shade of orange, so it makes me happy to see it, to hold it in my hands, and to use it. About two or three times a week I open my gratitude journal and write down five things for which I am grateful. Here’s a sample from a random day earlier this year:

Being sleepy at bedtime
Oatmeal
Morning walks
Birds at the feeder
Cozy clothes

Sometimes I write entire sentences, sometimes just a word or two. Believe it or not, there has been a lot of research on gratitude and on keeping gratitude journals. Supposedly the best way to keep a gratitude journal is to not only write what you are grateful for, but why. So instead of just writing “oatmeal”, I should write something like, “I am grateful for how my morning oatmeal warms me, nourishes me, and makes me feel like I am taking care of myself.” I did try to use that technique at first, but found that it became a chore before long. And then I quit for several months. So, in the interest of “done is better than perfect”, I stopped expecting myself to keep my journal the “correct” way. And I don’t put pressure on myself to write every single day.

I’ve been keeping my current jazzy orange gratitude journal since January, but I have several that I’ve kept at different times in my life. I like to read my old gratitude journals – they tell me a lot about where my head was during that time. Here is a day from the journal I kept during my cancer treatment:

The gift of one more day on this beautiful earth
Walked 1.1 miles and I wasn’t tired or breathless
I am grateful for Chris’ utter confidence that everything is going to be all right
The feel of the cool breeze on my hot head
I am loved

It’s amazing how quickly you can start to take things for granted, even after a life-changing experience like cancer. These days I walk around 7 miles a day, and while I do feel grateful for the ability to do so, the gratitude experience of simply being physically able to walk isn’t as intense as it was during those chemo days. I’m also still grateful for each day that I wake up, but the normality of waking up each day has crept back in. This is a good thing in a way, but I never want to forget what an incredible thing it is to live just one day on this earth.

During these coronavirus times, I’m experiencing newfound gratitude for things I used to take for granted, including:

Healthcare workers
Grocery store clerks
Scientists
Sanitation workers
First responders
Fresh food
Co-workers
Having a job

I’d like to think that when this is all over I will feel this gratitude as intensely as I do now, but I know that things will go back to normal and I’ll forget just a little bit how I feel in this moment. That’s one of the reasons why keeping a gratitude journal is so important to me – to remind me that the things I take for granted, including everyday normality, are in fact precious gifts.

I’m grateful for you, friends.

See you next time. Xoxo

April 9, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Daily Dose of Beauty

In the last 48 hours we have had a scary thunderstorm (complete with tornado warning), rain, snow, hail, clouds, and gorgeous sunshine. I’ve gone out for my walks wearing anything from a short sleeved shirt to my winter coat, wool hat, and gloves. But out I go, because I need my daily dose of exercise, fresh air, and beauty. It is sustaining me in this crazy time, keeping the “blahs” from turning into the blues. I know I said I wouldn’t be back here until my Friday “Things That Make Me Happy” post, but I thought I would share this daily dose of beauty with you. See you again tomorrow, dear ones. xoxo

April 5, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Going For A Gondola Ride

I am a big fan of the YouTube yoga instructor Adriene Mishler of “Yoga with Adriene” fame. She is down-to-earth, funny, self deprecating in an adorable way – just a lovely human. I must admit my yoga practice, if it could ever really have been called such, is on hold at the moment, for no particular reason except I can’t seem to find the motivation (although the benefits are so great that I really can’t figure out why). Anyway, although I haven’t been yoga-ing lately, I do receive a Sunday morning email message from Adriene that is always a wonderful way to begin a new week.

This week’s message resonated with me, especially this:

“These days it is no secret we are on a ride. Somedays it’s the Shockwave, others The Joker. Sometimes you feel like you are on The Texas Rattler, one of those large wooden rollercoasters, or perhaps one day – all metal – get in the cage – like The Zipper! And, in a strange but very romantic moment with yourself and/or your loved ones, sometimes you are on a gondola, or you are on a sailboat, sailing away.”

Last night was a gondola night.

Earlier in the day, I texted my across-the-street neighbor Emily (who also happens to be my boss, but that’s another story!) that I was going to be consuming her favorite drink that night:

When I saw her response, I wasn’t sure how to reply. Unfortunately we have observed other neighbors holding “social distanced” outdoor get-togethers where the distancing was decidedly suspect. I wanted no part of that, so I responded:

Which resulted in:

We carefully positioned our chairs six feet from the sidewalks so that we wouldn’t endanger people going out for their evening constitutional. Emily, her husband Bob, Chris & Jenny, and my little group sat there for about an hour, asking for recommendations for TV shows to binge-watch, inquiring about children who have left the nest and are weathering this new coronavirus climate on their own, comparing notes on working remotely, and just generally catching up. It was so lovely I am getting choked up just writing about it.

After the happy hour was over, we retired back to our respective houses, promising to do this again when the weather permitted. Chris, Sam, and I continued our new Saturday tradition of ordering take-out dinner from Chili’s and watching a movie (Jojo Rabbit this week).

I hope you have found ways to step off the roller coaster now and then and enjoy a gondola ride with your loved ones.

Love,

Michelle xoxo

March 30, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

An Interstellar Moment

We watched “Interstellar” Saturday night, for probably the third time. If you’ve never seen it, a brief synopsis: on a near-future drought-destroyed Earth, a small handful of astronauts and scientists embark on a long-shot mission to save all of humanity. The thing that makes Interstellar fun, though, is how it plays with the idea of time travel – not actually walking around in the past like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, but subtly leaving clues to our former selves to help them out in some way. I’m a sucker for all time travel stories and alternate reality stories.

While watching the movie, I remembered a Facebook post I made about a year and a half ago:

“I had an “Interstellar” moment this morning. I run a loop around my neighborhood three times each morning. On my second time around this morning, I looked at my first-loop footprints and thought, “a different version of me left those prints, one that had just woken up and was still shaking off sleep. Now I’m on my second lap and I feel awake and tinglingly alive.” I left a message for the future me, who would be finishing up the run in about 14 minutes. It made me smile to write it and smile to encounter it later on. A message from the past. 😊

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how life can only be lived in this present moment. It is always “today,” always “right now”. So, today is the day I was born, is the day I graduated high school, is the day I gave birth to Sam, is the day I wrote this post, is the day I die. Looking at life this way truly helps me appreciate how precious this moment is, no matter what is happening in it.”

We all just want what is going on now, this global pandemic, to be over – to fast forward 6 weeks, or 8 weeks, or however long it is. To have life be normal again.

I’m grateful to my past self for reminding me that now is all I have, as surreal and scary as it may be sometimes. And I’m grateful for now, to be alive in this moment.

March 27, 2020March 27, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Things That Make Me Happy #5

This is Remy. Isn’t he adorable?

Remy came into my life over six years ago.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in early 2014, I let my Facebook friends know what was going on in my life. Everyone is different when it comes to sharing news like that – several people I know have kept that news more private, but I weighed privacy with the support that I knew I would receive and decided on disclosure. The results were mixed (one high school friend called me up pretty much to tell me how afraid she was of getting breast cancer because her mother died of breast cancer), but I don’t regret it.

Enter Remy. He arrived in an Amazon box one day with no note inside saying who he was from. A mystery! That in itself is delightful. Eventually we found out that my Facebook friend (we’ve never met in person) Liz sent him to me to comfort me while I was going through treatment. I named him Remy because I knew his presence in my life would feel very healing – I shortened the word “remedy” to “Remy.”

Remy is super soft on the outside and filled with buckwheat hulls on the inside, so you can microwave him and use him the way you would a hot water bottle, or you can put him in the fridge or freezer and use him if you need a cold compress. I know, poor Remy! He really takes it for the team.

He used to be lavender-scented, but that wore off a few years ago. He’s also looking a little worse for the wear. I could insert a quote from The Velveteen Rabbit here, but I will save you from that!

I can’t tell you just how much comfort this little guy has brought me over the years. There’s just something about being warmed when you’re feeling cold – think roaring fire, bowl of soup, cup of tea, hot water bottle, heated blanket – that makes you feel like a small child again, in the best possible way.

xoxo

March 17, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Social Distancing – Introvert’s Dream?

First of all, I want to be the first to predict that, when the big dictionary companies announce their “Word of the Year” for 2020, “social distancing” will be the clear winner. In years to come, when this pandemic is just a memory, the words “social distancing” will remain laden with connotation for all of us.

I am an introvert. When someone asks me if I’m planning to go to a certain social gathering, I’ll often ask “Will there be people there?” And I’m only half kidding. Maybe a quarter kidding.

Actually, not kidding at all.

Don’t get me wrong. I love people. I love humanity, with all of its flaws. And I love friendship and spending time with friends. As a huge fan of L.M. Montgomery’s book “Anne of Green Gables”, I have always been on the search for what Anne calls “kindred spirits.” Kindred spirits are not always easy to spot. Sometimes it’s the person you’d least expect and they reveal themselves when you least expect it. I love the C.S. Lewis quote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” One of my most treasured friendships was born at a library story time when I was sitting next to a woman whose three year old had done something outrageous. I whispered to her, “mine does that all the time,” and in that moment we bonded. I consider her a “bosom chum” even though we live far apart and don’t communicate near as much as we should.

There are many articles already written about how introverts are reacting to social distancing. This (tongue in cheek, I hope) article suggests that introverts “have been inadvertently training to fight coronavirus for years. And, even when it settles down, they’ll be ready for the next pandemic”. There are humorous memes floating about the internet on the matter that suggest that the social distancing associated with COVID-19 is an introvert’s dream.

I must admit there is a part of me that is happy I have enough food on hand that I don’t need to go to the grocery store for the next couple of weeks. The overcrowded stores associated with panic buying leave me completely drained of emotional energy. And I have to say that when I saw a photo of an almost empty Times Square the other day, a sense of calm came over me, like it might come over you when you see a photo of the ocean.

However, social distancing is not this introvert’s dream.

I will miss seeing our friend Daniel at the coffee shop each Saturday. He and his wife Joyce have become good friends of ours, and I’m glad that we recently went out to eat with them because it’s uncertain when we will be able to do that again. Daniel is in an especially vulnerable group and they just cannot risk any unnecessary contact. I will miss going to Chili’s on Saturday night and enjoying the company of our favorite bartenders, Michelle and Lisa. And I worry about how they will manage now. I worry about our local coffee shop, Open Door. It is owned and run by Deborah and staffed by the most lovely young people I have ever had the good fortune to meet. They are open for carry-out, so I will see them on a limited basis, but I worry how this social distancing will affect Deborah’s business. Today I bought a St. Patrick’s Day gift for Chris in the form of a large gift card to Open Door that he can use after this crisis is over. I got the gift card idea from an article on how to support local businesses that may be affected by social distancing.

There are some small silver linings that almost feel selfish to enjoy given the deadly nature of the dark cloud, but I believe that it’s important to my mental health to always find things to be grateful for amidst any situation. I am enjoying the at-a-distance interactions I’m having with fellow neighborhood-walkers these days. Our cheerful “hello” and “stay safe!” greetings make me feel that although we are deliberately staying at least six feet away from each other, we are in this together. When I walk each morning I usually have to be very careful about the timing and sometimes take an alternate route in order to avoid the noxious diesel exhaust of the school bus as it stops and starts through the neighborhood. All schools are canceled here now, most likely through the end of the year, and so I’m grateful for the clean air each morning. Sam is home from school now, a month and a half early, and I am grateful for the extra time we will have together. Finally, at work we have transitioned to a skeleton crew. For the time being, I only go in 2-3 days a week. I am grateful to have the extra time to spend with my family and work on things like this blog.

I saw a meme once that said “Relax. Nothing is under control.” I’m trying to relax into this temporary “new normal” – to accept what is, do what I can, and continue to look for the silver linings. Sometimes all that you can control is your attitude toward what is happening. Over the next couple of days, I will be sharing some things in my life that help me keep my attitude on the positive side.

Take care, friends. xoxo

March 13, 2020March 14, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Things That Make Me Happy #3

Tea is magical. I just love it. I enjoy other beverages, including coffee, but I’m in a committed relationship with tea.

Tea engages so many of the senses. It warms your hands and your insides on a chilly day, yet it doesn’t make you too hot on a hot day. Beyond warmth, it provides comfort in a way that no other beverage has ever done for me. A good cup of tea can make a bad day seem brighter, can make a tender tummy feel better, and can instantly soothe frazzled nerves. Just the act of holding a warm teacup in my hands makes me happy.

My dad always had a cup of milky tea with his evening meal, which we always called “supper” growing up, but which everyone seems to call “dinner” these days. He would also drink tea with his favorite snack – peanut butter on saltine crackers. I can picture him sitting at the kitchen table with his cup of tea and his crackers, and it makes me smile.

When I married a Brit, I was a bit nervous about whether or not I was making tea correctly. If you’re thinking, “Make the tea the way you like it – there’s no right or wrong way,” you’re probably not British. There is ongoing debate as to whether the tea should go in first or the milk. This article sets things straight. Or provides further fuel for the debate. Not sure which. Then there is the good natured ribbing people give each other on whether they like their tea too dark or too light or with too much sugar, etc. Whenever Chris has told me that a particular cup of tea that I poured was really good, I have felt inordinately proud.

The one thing I love about British culture is that whenever you feel like making a cup of tea for yourself, you must ask everyone in the house whether they “fancy” a cup as well. This includes the person currently installing a new washing machine in the basement. I love the politeness and care for others that this shows. It warms my heart.

For a while I drank black tea with milk, but a few years ago I changed to (decaf) green tea and herbal teas without milk. Green tea of course has substances in it called polyphenols, and especially one polyphenol called EGCG, which may possibly fight against cancer, so I figure it can’t hurt to drink two or three cups a day. But I also love chamomile, peppermint, and ginger tea, among others. The thing about herbal teas is they smell so wonderful. They’re aromatherapy in a cup.

Beyond the tea itself, I love pretty teacups. A pretty teacup or mug can elevate the whole tea drinking experience to a new level. The Buddha cup pictured is my current “work” teacup and is a bit of a mystery. Where I work there is a kitchen and in the kitchen are cupboards with shared dishes and utensils. But people of course also bring their own stuff, and many of these items somehow find their way temporarily into the cupboards. If something is in the cupboard, it is fair game to use but not to keep at your desk. About two years ago I saw the Buddha cup and had to have a cup of tea in it. I went around asking if anyone knew who the cup belonged to, because I wanted to tell them how lovely it was and ask them where they got it. No one knew. I washed and put the cup back in the cupboard. No one ever took it out. I asked again. Still nothing. I work in a very small company, so this seemed unusual. So, I adopted the cup (well, I guess it’s more accurate to say I am fostering the cup) and will keep it warm and full until its owner needs it again.

Have a wonderful weekend, and I will see you again on Monday. Stay safe out there.

Unfortunately the cup is made for right handed people and I always see this message upside down! 🙂

March 6, 2020March 6, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Things That Make Me Happy #2

I love when nature reminds me that I’m sharing the neighborhood with more than the expected assortment of humans, dogs, cats, squirrels, chipmunks, and birds. These moments fill me with joy.

Take the photo above. I was on my usual before-work walk through the neighborhood one day last spring when I heard a strange noise. It sounded sort of like a baby crying. I looked up to see a fawn being chased by a fox across a neighbor’s front yard. When the fawn and fox saw me, they both froze and eyed me warily. I loudly shooed the fox away (although he didn’t immediately go, bold fellow that he was). That left the fawn standing in the middle of the street, seemingly not knowing what to do next. The fawn eventually scampered into another neighbor’s yard, leaving me behind with an enormous smile on my face. Our neighborhood is small enough that I knew mama and baby would be reunited soon.

We don’t live in a rural area, but there are woods and forests close enough that we see a certain amount of wildlife. Deer are fairly common. Foxes are less common, but have become a more frequent sight in the last year or two. We’ve seen wild turkeys in our backyard, and one time Sam and I were walking in the little park down the street and happened upon a single wild turkey walking alone (which is unusual since they seem to always travel in groups). This week my husband Chris looked out at our back yard and said, “What’s that?” It was a coyote.

One evening last year Sam and I were going to our favorite sunset-watching spot (the same spot shown in yesterday’s photos). We had misjudged the timing and arrived after the sun had slid below the horizon and all the other sunset watchers had left. It was on the edge of dusk and dark, and as we arrived at the overlook we saw an enormous owl perched right on the edge of the stone ledges. I’m sure it sensed our presence and took flight over the valley as we watched in awe.

One summer night a year or so ago, I was sitting on the bench in our back yard and some movement caught my eye. It was an old opossum with a crooked tail slowly ambling across the yard. I think his name was Bert. I invited him over for a drink, but it was past his bedtime (yes, I know opossums are nocturnal, but work with me here, I’m being whimsical).

Have a wonderful weekend! I will see you back here on Monday.

March 4, 2020March 4, 2020 Michelle Uncategorized

Here Comes the Sun

As the days get longer and we are about to “spring ahead” into daylight savings time, it makes me think about just how much my moods and sense of well being are affected by sunlight.

When I first started brainstorming names for this blog (about 6 months ago), the name “Sun in My Face” resonated with me. I was inspired by the sunrise photo that is the main photo on this website. Sunrises just always feel so hopeful and positive to me. They are the first sign that a new day “with no mistakes in it yet” (thank you, L.M. Montgomery) is beginning. There is a stillness and a sacredness in both sunrises and sunsets that speak directly to my soul. I’m sure I will write much more about both sunrises and sunsets in future posts on here.

I’ve tried different ways to deal with the darkness of winter, with mixed results. I used a light box for a while, but the intensity of the light gave me a headache. I have become a big fan of twinkle lights, draping them over window frames and in a small tree in my back yard. They are so cheerful to come home to when I leave for work in the dark and return in the dark.

When I was on Facebook I liked to collect and post photos of things that were beautiful, or made me smile or laugh. One of these little collections I called “A Daily Dose of Beauty.” These were photos taken of the beauty of nature (most not taken by me) in all of its forms. Landscapes, animals, flowers, the ocean – the only common thread was natural beauty. I’d find the photos on Pinterest and post them to my page, one a day. It made me happy to look at the photos myself and to share them with my friends. It felt like I was helping to make Facebook a more positive place.

Another album of photos I collected, back in the winter of 2013/14, I called “Here Comes the Sun.” As you might imagine, all of the photos featured the beauty of the sun. In the darkness of the shortest days of the year, the photos reminded me that the sun was, little by little, returning to us. The golden light in the photos felt almost real enough to bask in and helped me cope with the long, dark winter.

If you’ve been following this blog from the start (last week – ha!) you probably can guess what comes next. I was diagnosed with cancer at the end of that January. Boy, did the winter feel dark and bleak at that point. But something wonderful happened next. My neighbors Chris and Jenny, inspired by my “Here Comes the Sun” Facebook photos, had about about a hundred or so yellow rubber bracelets made up – the kind you wear to support a cause – with the words “Here Comes the Sun” stamped into the rubber. They gave me a big box of these bracelets and I gave them out to friends, family, coworkers – anyone I could think of. I asked people to take a photo of themselves wearing the bracelet and post the photo on Facebook.

The response was tremendous and humbling. If you think basking in the sun feels great, try basking in the love and support of all of your friends and family. It’s a feeling you’ll never forget.