It’s 1:19 in the afternoon as I write this, and already the sun has begun its descent in the western sky. Sunset isn’t for another four and a half hours, but I can feel the darkness waiting impatiently in the wings. Shadows are long and the light has that “golden hour” quality that I appreciate much more at about, say, 6 or 7pm. It’s a beautiful day and I wish I could appreciate that beauty more, live in the moment more, without wanting more.
Last weekend I had a very quick trip to the east coast. Flew into Providence on Saturday. Drove back to Ohio from Boston on Sunday. That will be my final trip anywhere in 2023 and I am relieved to just stay put for a while. The first photo above was taken at the first Pennsylvania rest stop on I-90 after crossing over from New York. That blue strip on the horizon is Lake Erie. The I-90 route back to Ohio is a new one for me, and I was surprised by just how many miles of vineyards there were in upstate New York. The fall colors were still so stunning.
A loved one of mine just lost one of their loved ones this weekend. It was unexpected and it has haunted me all day. Lately I have been talking with my friends about staying physically strong for the long haul – because we don’t want to be that frail-looking 80-year-old in the grocery store. What we don’t think about is the fact that we might not make 80. Or 70. Or tomorrow. I’m realizing that I might need to shift my goal from the long-term to the here and now. Living each day so that I am stronger (mentally and physically) when my head hits the pillow at the end of the day than when I woke up that morning. I might not necessarily feel the difference, of course, as the change will be incremental – but I’ll be able to look back at the day and see what I’ve done, in concrete ways, to gain that strength.
There are still six weeks left in 2023, but in the spirit of the here and now, I am claiming a new one-word-theme right now, before 2024 begins. It might just be the theme for the rest of my life: STRONG. It’s a combination of aspiration and affirmation. I’m not a weak person. I’ve come through a lot in life. But I feel like I suffer internally more than I should – that life takes more of a toll on me than it should. I’m tender-hearted and I care WAY too much about things I shouldn’t care that much about. So, I’m seeking more mental resilience and strength and a large dash of “don’t give a fuck”. Physically, I know exactly what to do to become stronger, and I have much of that in place already, but I need to take it up a notch, become more accountable to myself, and put myself higher up on my list of priorities (and realize that putting myself at number one on the list does not make me selfish, a bad mother, a bad worker, or a bad partner).
I hope you are doing well this weekend, friends. Here in the States this week brings Thanksgiving, which will be a quiet affair with just Chris and Pokey and me.
I am thankful for you.
Love,
Michelle xoxo