In the last few days I have driven 650 miles, read a book, spent time with Sam, had a fun morning with my BFF Beth, taken several naps, and enjoyed many Pokey cuddles. The book I read, The Night In Question by Susan Fletcher, was a surprise. I knew that it was a murder mystery and that the protagonist was an elderly woman. I was surprised by the fact that it is much, much more than that. Tender, life-affirming, sad, joyful – it is a celebration of family, friendship, romantic love, and letting yourself be truly seen by the people who love you.
It’s 9:30 on Sunday night as I write this, and I am realizing that the last few days have been so full that I haven’t spent any time thinking about what I might write here this week, and now I’m getting very sleepy. Oops.
Today is Independence Day in the US – celebrating our break from British rule 248 years ago. Yesterday I was telling my friends that I was planning a long hike today to celebrate the independence being healthy gives me. Never to be taken for granted. Or rather, often taken for granted until I’m reminded of how good I have it right now. I can walk unaided. I’m sure that will not always be the case. I can drive myself to wherever I want to go. Ditto. Right now I’m participating in a step challenge with four college friends. This group was created from a larger group of friends, a few of which declined joining the challenge due to issues with their feet or backs. As I sit here on a bench on a boardwalk in the middle of a marsh, I see younger people run by at speeds that are beyond my capabilities and inclination (I am very aware of knees that complain occasionally) – I know that age and accumulated use has diminished my body, but I am determined to not only keep hold of what I do have at this moment, but strengthen and shore up what I can. I don’t know what is down the pike and around the corner for me, but I will face it from a place of strength.
My mind has also been riffing on the theme of independence as it pertains to how I travel through life. No man is an island – I had to Google who said that (John Donne). I talked the other week about weak social ties. As I go about my days without Chris physically at my side but very much in my heart and in my life, I am so grateful for those interactions. This morning: saying thank you for my coffee, having a 5 minute conversation with a woman on the trail, and scritch-scratching the neck of her Doberman, whose name is Thornapple (also using Google, I found out that Thornapple is a poisonous plant that causes “hallucinations, seizures, coma, and death” – apparently the name is a warning that her dog can fuck you up, lol). Texts and phone calls and video calls are wonderful, but being in the presence of another human being is nourishing in a way all those other interactions aren’t. This is one of the reasons why, even though the office culture at work makes me crazy, I’ll be choosing to work mostly in-office for the foreseeable future. I do enjoy my own company, but at times it can feel like a thin soup.
In just a few days’ time I will be traveling east to be with loved ones – Sam and Pokey and Jenny and Beth and Mom and Paula and Janice. I’m so excited. I am holding some of my recent nature photos back (which is very difficult for me – I’m the person who, as someone is unwrapping a gift from me, blurts out, “It’s a telescope! I hope you like it!” I have a hard time holding back on happy things) to use with my blog posts over the next two weeks, as I am sticking to my commitment to post every week and I’m not sure if I’ll have a chance to take many photos on my trip.
Have a wonderful week, friends. To my loved ones enduring a heat wave, stay cool!
How are doing, friends? I’m doing OK. Tired, but a good tired.
My favorite part of being a human is going into nature and reminding myself that I am a part of this. This perfection that I am surrounded by – the trees, the birds, the muskrats and the chipmunks – I belong among these beings. I belong here.
You belong here too. You are a part of this beauty. Always remember that.
In my last post I gave myself a goal of upping the fun level in my life. I did pretty well on that front over the last few days, I think. I spent Wednesday morning in the library and then went to Starbucks for an iced coffee – my favorite summertime beverage. Thursday’s dinner with work friends was fun but a bit odd as the guest of honor never showed, using the “brain fart” defense for her actions, and throwing in the heat wave as a contributing factor.
I started reading The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. This is a book that has been recommended to me so many times and actually gifted to me, but I just never seemed able to start it. I have no idea why – I love lighthearted murder mysteries. The gifted book unfortunately ended up in the Friends of the Library donation pile when we did the big move purge, and so I found myself 13th in line, waiting for one of 47 digital copies of the book until my sister took pity on me and added me to her Kindle. I am enjoying this book so much; it has truly upped the fun level.
Thursday being Summer Solstice, I decided to go to the local sunset-watching park to mark the occasion. I was surprised how few people were there! The woman doing sun salutations on her yoga mat next to me also expressed this sentiment. You just can’t count on getting a decent showing for a good ol’ pagan ritual these days. (She wasn’t actually doing sun salutations, but we did have a nice chat).
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the importance of what social scientists call “weak social ties” – those people we encounter in our lives who aren’t friends or family, but are people we have fleeting contact with on a regular basis. For me it’s the two ladies who man the front desk at the gym, another woman who I like to think of as the “mayor” of the gym, the other birders I’ve had brief conversations with in the parks I’ve visited. Several studies are out showing the importance of these casual ties, especially among older people. There’s an older gentleman I’ve seen several times at my favorite birding park and we always exchange pleasantries no more than 60 seconds in duration. He is always smiling and always a delight. But I wonder sometimes, who else does this man have in his life? Could I possibly be the only person he talks to that day? Perhaps he wonders the same about me! I do know that my day is enriched by his presence. I need to cultivate more of these ties.
Have a wonderful week, friends!
Love,
Michelle xoxo
PS. I know you’ve been waiting impatiently to hear how I did in the Finals of the Diamond Tournament:
I know I committed to writing here once a week, but here I sit, without a thought in my brain. I think I know why – I haven’t really given myself any time in the last seven days to be fanciful. I work out, I work, I walk, and then I’ve spent every spare moment racking points on my language learning app. You see, I’m in the Finals of the Diamond Tournament and I simply must finish in the top three! I know – very, very sad. Once this competition is over (tonight at 10pm!) I am going to step back from the app. Well, I’ll still play once a day to keep up my 127+ day streak – I can’t throw that away, come on!
The weather here was absolutely gorgeous this weekend, but we are about to enter a punishing heat wave. I do realize that my idea of a punishing heat wave would be a mild week in, say, Texas. I lived in Texas at the end of the nineties and I remember having to go for walks with Sam in the stroller at about 5am in order to avoid the 100+ degree temperatures that rolled in every dang day.
I’m very excited because I just realized that Wednesday is a holiday (Juneteenth) and our offices are closed. Thursday I am meeting with some old work colleagues in the evening. I am going to devote my free time this week to reading and writing. Reading, whether it be poetry or a novel, always helps put me into a creative space. It also helps put me into a positive frame of mind. I’ve been feeling a bit flat for the last few days, to be honest. I’ll be fine, I just need to up the fun level a bit.
Looking at the photo above, I can’t help but be reminded of the character Alfalfa from Our Gang.
Hello friends,
Three weeks since returning from New Zealand, my life is finding its new rhythms. I get up at 5 during the work week and go to the gym; get up at 6 on the weekends and go to a park. I’m in the office 5 days a week as I’ve been training a new person since I got back. In the evenings I find myself back in nature, either with my camera or without. Or I just veg the heck out. I haven’t turned the TV on at all. I’ve read three books. I practice my French every day on the DuoLingo app (I’m learning French for no particular reason). I text and talk with loved ones – both the family kind and the friend kind. I’ve been sleeping straight through the night, every night.
I’m going to try to show up here in the blog every week. Share my photos from the week. Share my thoughts – if I have any. I think if I wait for inspiration it generally does not turn up. As Picasso said, “Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.”
I was in a church of my own making this morning, standing on a boardwalk over a marsh. Birdsong and the occasional blurp of a frog. A guy biking through with Pinball Wizard blasting so loudly from his earphones that I could hear every word. Tree swallows zooming by so quickly and so close to me that I could touch them If I was fast enough, which I’ll never be. A great blue heron presiding over the ordinary pomp and circumstance of nature’s morning chorus. I felt blessed, in the only way I can make sense of blessings – that we are either all blessed or none of us are blessed – no playing favorites. Nature doesn’t play favorites, it welcomes all of us.
I’ve been in nature a lot lately – on the beaches of New Zealand and the forests and marshes and beaches of Ohio. The house is sold. A house has been bought. Chris and I are in some weird transitionary period now, him in New Zealand, me in Ohio. Apart and yet closer together than we ever have been. Working toward a common goal.
More to come – photos are a random collection from the last four weeks.
Hello, friends. I haven’t been here in so long and I apologize for that. My life has been full-on these last two months and included:
Driving to Boston via Connecticut, seeing Sam, my sisters, my mom, and two dear college friends
Putting our house on the market – those of you who have done the same will know all the myriad activities hidden in that simple statement. Knock on wood, things are progressing nicely. We won’t breathe that sigh of relief until the papers are signed and the keys are handed over.
Flying to England for Chris’ mother’s funeral
Making all of the arrangements for the next stage of our adventure – there are many moving parts, different stages, and several things left on our “to do” list. I will share more of that when it is all done and dusted. What I can share: we are excited.
I’ve had conversations with several of my friends lately about the kinds of things we are thinking about as people in our 60’s. There is an awareness that in the Play of our lives, we are entering the Last Act. And that awareness does not bring sadness or fear – it brings a sense of freedom. And impetus. Now is the time. Now.
One of my sisters has gotten back into working in stained glass, and her creations are so gorgeous – I can’t wait to see what’s yet to come from her. BFF Beth is undertaking a multi-stop solo trip through Northern Europe. Another dear friend has bought a home in Nova Scotia with her Canadian husband after a long, fulfilling teaching and coaching career in New York. Others are still in the dreaming and planning phase.
I firmly believe that you can create your own life. And I say this as someone who, for many years, put myself second, or third, or at the bottom of the list. Who felt obliged to go along with whatever I thought was expected and to be the person I thought others wanted me to be. And then I had a revelation: I may have thought I was responding to outside forces, but I was actually responding to my own perception of outside forces. I was editing myself preemptively. So to quote the great Taylor Swift: I’m the problem; it’s me. I’ve been doing the internal work to try to get past that mindset for a while, but really intensively in the last year. It will always be a work in progress.
When I say I believe you can create your own life, I fully understand that life does put certain constraints on us, whether they be financial, familial, health, mobility, etc. Chris and I will not be buying a retirement home next to George Clooney’s place on Lake Como, for instance. But I think we can all work within our own personal set of given boundaries – thinking of them as a framework rather than a set of constraints – to make the life we lead intentional, beautiful, satisfying, enriching. As a teeny-tiny example, I love beautiful coffee mugs. Having a cup of coffee or tea in one of the fun mugs I’ve bought gives me a sense of joy. Just seeing them on the shelf in the kitchen cupboard makes me smile. I know I’m getting into the territory of Marie Kondo’s “spark joy” here, but we all have our “things” that make us feel warm and fuzzy inside – coffee mugs, pretty patterned bedsheets, and Provencal-patterned cloth napkins and placemats are some of mine.
On a less material level, writing in my journal every day, or most days, is something new to me that brings me joy. I’ve journaled on and off my whole life – I can remember journaling at age 7 – but I haven’t journaled with any regularity for the last few decades (you know you’re getting old when you refer to your life in terms of decades!). I found an app compatible with my Mac called Day One (link to info here) that I have been using and I absolutely love it. It is a free app with purchases available within, but I have found I don’t need or want any of the for-pay functionalities.
Moving forward into this last Act, I want to see how far I can grow my photography skills. I want adventure and travel. I want family and friends and long talks into the night (with the understanding that my bedtime is somewhere between 9:00 and 10:00). I want to express all the love and appreciation I have for those I love. I want (need) the ocean. I want to really be there for MYSELF most of all, and not care what I think other people might think. You have no idea how hard it is for me to let that last sentence just sit there, un-deleted.
April and May will be busy months. Tomorrow I travel to Connecticut to be with my mom on her 93rd birthday. There will be an abundance of overtime at work and then another trip in May, this time to New Zealand – round trip 🙂
I don’t know how much I’ll be able to write in the next couple of months. Perhaps you won’t hear from me until June, but I will try to get here sooner!
I just finished reading the book “Family Lore” by Elizabeth Acevedo. There is a quote I’ve saved that spoke to me: “This is how you heal, niña. You are thoughtful about what you offer yourself; you study what you put out.” Full disclosure, in this quote an old woman is helping her granddaughter heal from intestinal problems! But everything we offer ourselves – from food, to all kinds of media, to experiences outside of media, to relationships – either help us in some way or hurt us in some way – there’s not a lot of neutral ground here. Does it nourish you, inform you, soothe you, energize you? Or does it anesthetize you, irritate you, enrage you, make you feel helpless or hopeless or less-than?This is where I could write a paragraph or three about the evils of social media, but I’ve covered that subject a few times before.
I am going to spend this year being very thoughtful about what I offer myself.
If we are thoughtful about what we offer ourselves, how do we study what we put out? For me, part of it will involve journaling every morning as part of my new morning routine (which is still a work in progress). But output can also be seen as our moods, our attitudes, our energy levels, how we react to the things and people we encounter each day. I do realize that moods can be unrelated to what we consume – depression and anxiety are medical conditions, often inherited, and some of us may always have some level of irritability, fatigue, and negativity as a base level. Controlling what we allow to enter into our bodies/minds/spirits isn’t a cure-all. I do believe, however, that it can at the very least help ameliorate some of the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and just the normal stresses of life. When we are thoughtful about what we offer ourselves, we are setting healthy boundaries. Self care isn’t just about bubble baths and massages – it’s about doing the tough things we know we need to do in order to feel our best.
This week is my 10-year Cancerversary. It’s a time for me to reflect on how far I’ve come since that dark day when it felt like the bottom fell out of my world. It’s also a time to renew my vow to “get busy living.” But most of all, it’s a time to be grateful for all that I have experienced in the last 10 years, and the fact that I am still here.
Friends, I hope you offer yourselves only the best this week. You deserve it so very much.
