When I was diagnosed with cancer in early 2014, I let my Facebook friends know what was going on in my life. Everyone is different when it comes to sharing news like that – several people I know have kept that news more private, but I weighed privacy with the support that I knew I would receive and decided on disclosure. The results were mixed (one high school friend called me up pretty much to tell me how afraid she was of getting breast cancer because her mother died of breast cancer), but I don’t regret it.
Enter Remy. He arrived in an Amazon box one day with no note inside saying who he was from. A mystery! That in itself is delightful. Eventually we found out that my Facebook friend (we’ve never met in person) Liz sent him to me to comfort me while I was going through treatment. I named him Remy because I knew his presence in my life would feel very healing – I shortened the word “remedy” to “Remy.”
Remy is super soft on the outside and filled with buckwheat hulls on the inside, so you can microwave him and use him the way you would a hot water bottle, or you can put him in the fridge or freezer and use him if you need a cold compress. I know, poor Remy! He really takes it for the team.
He used to be lavender-scented, but that wore off a few years ago. He’s also looking a little worse for the wear. I could insert a quote from The Velveteen Rabbit here, but I will save you from that!
I can’t tell you just how much comfort this little guy has brought me over the years. There’s just something about being warmed when you’re feeling cold – think roaring fire, bowl of soup, cup of tea, hot water bottle, heated blanket – that makes you feel like a small child again, in the best possible way.
Today was a funny old day. I had a doctor’s appointment at 8:45 (no, not coronavirus-related) and an over-the-phone lesson in how to remote into one of the work computers we’ll be sharing. After a late breakfast there was a conference call for our department in which we were told what we need to accomplish in the three hour window we are all being given each day. I must say I’m glad to be getting back to work. It will be a challenge – for one thing, in my cubicle at work I have three computer monitors and could easily use a fourth because we all need to have multiple windows open all the time. For the next few weeks I will be using my laptop. It’s going to get crowded!
Speaking of crowded, Sam and I went for a walk this afternoon, an idea that must have struck half of the neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods at the same time. Definitely an exercise in serpentine evasive maneuvers!
Nature was putting on a lovely albeit quiet show along the way. I tried to really focus on the subtle changes around me. The trees are starting to bud out, crocuses and daffodils are blooming. The forsythia can’t be far behind. I’m finding that when I’m feeling frazzled (which is more often during this pandemic than usual) focusing on the beauty of the world around me helps smooth out the rough edges.
Sam and I went for our usual evening walk tonight and the sky was so lovely. I just knew it would be a good sunset today – I’ve learned that what differentiates a “blah” sunset from a stunning sunset is the quality of the clouds in the sky. Wispy clouds are best, apparently. These photos don’t do tonight’s sunset justice – trust me, it was gorgeous. And I wanted so much to be able to go to our sunset park to view it, but I knew that watching the sunset from the ledges at the park was not an “essential” outing. But, gosh, it sure felt essential tonight.
We are hunkering down here – coffee machine coffee, puzzles, the start of online classes for Sam now that the weirdest Spring Break ever is over. Chris is composing in his studio, as usual. It still feels so surreal, and I’m not used to this “new normal” – will most likely never get used to it, but spirits are moderately high (thanks to lots of fresh air and walks). Actually, I can’t honestly say spirits are moderately high. Let’s say, spirits are moderately moderate and hanging in there. I hope you are hanging in there, too, being gentle with yourself, and staying healthy.
In anticipation of the “Stay at Home” order which takes effect tonight at 11:59, I popped over to our local crafting store, JoAnn’s Fabrics, this morning. I have a couple projects I’m working on (which I’ll reveal here sometime this week, hopefully) and I needed some supplies. JoAnn’s is a national chain that just happens to have its headquarters, and a large flagship store, in the town where I live.
As I was roaming the aisles, maintaining a 6-foot bubble of protection around me, I heard a couple of women talking to one of the employees about a project they each happened to be working on. When the employee mentioned, “This much fabric should be enough to make 30 masks,” it dawned on me. The customers were preparing to sew surgical masks to help local hospitals.
I knew about this movement, started in response to the dangerously low supplies of personal protective equipment in many of this country’s major hospitals. Volunteers across the country are sewing masks, sharing patterns, and posting tutorials on YouTube. On JoAnn Fabric’s website there is a page dedicated to supporting this volunteer effort.
Even though I knew this sort of thing was going on, actually seeing people buying the fabric for their face mask projects choked me up. Seeing the goodness of these people and their eagerness to help during this scary time just made me feel like the Grinch when his heart grows three sizes.
Which brings us to my next stop this morning – Open Door Coffee. We’ve been buying carryout coffee at Open Door ever since governor DeWine’s order that closed all Ohio bars and restaurants to in-house customers (which seems like ages ago but was only 8 days ago), in an effort to help support our favorite local business. Deborah (the owner) and her crew of exceptional young people have been so good to us over the years. As I approached the front door, I saw the sign below and my heart sunk:
Inside, I asked a solemn-looking Deborah what was going on. I knew that under the provisions of the Stay at Home order Open Door could continue operating for take out. Deborah said that even though she could technically stay open for the duration of the order, she didn’t feel that she could adequately protect her employees. She said, “It’s a decision that makes my stomach hurt, but I know it’s the right thing to do.” Sigh.
When I left my house this morning for these two errands, I had no idea what was in store for me – compelling evidence that although there still may be people hoarding and fights over toilet paper in grocery stores, there are many more people out there quietly doing the best that they can.
Today Ohio’s governor Mike DeWine signed a “Stay at Home” order which will begin tomorrow night at 11:59pm. This is the same thing as what has been called “Shelter in Place” in other states – people must only leave their houses to take care of “essential” business, and only essential businesses can keep their doors open. The key exception is that people are allowed to get fresh air and exercise as long as they maintain social distancing.
Now, I’m a big walker. I walk every morning around 6am and when Sam is home I walk at least one more time in the evening. BCV (before coronavirus) I would see the same three people out at 6am – all of them walking their dogs. On evening walks Sam and I would run into maybe two or three other people out walking dogs or getting some fresh air. When we drove to one of the trail heads for a walk in the Cuyahoga Valley National Park, there might be half a dozen cars in the parking lot on an early spring day.
This weekend there were people everywhere! We gave up on going to one of the national park trail heads because all of the parking lots were nearly full. Now, there is plenty of space in the National Park for all of these people to maintain social distancing, but Sam and I didn’t feel like joining so large of a crowd. In our little neighborhood park there were also several more people out than usual but fewer than in the big park. On the one hand it makes me very happy to see people exercising (someone said recently that there are a lot of happy dogs out there who have never been walked so much in their lives), but it does make it tricky sometimes to keep the 6 foot distance. If we passed people on the trail, both parties clung to the opposite edges of the trail, or veered off the trail to maintain distance. This morning when I went to pick up some coffee at Open Door, a couple coming toward me from the opposite direction walked well into the street to avoid coming close to me. I was appreciative of their caution, but worried that they might escape the virus but not the front end of an approaching car.
Tonight I was reading this article in the New York Times which discussed how people can venture out for exercise safely in this time of social distancing. The article emphasized how important it is, especially during this stressful time, to reap the physical and mental benefits of fresh air and exercise, but acknowledged that going for walks in a city like New York has its challenges: “Even on the wider sidewalks of the borough’s main arteries, any attempt to avoid a near-brush with pedestrians passing the other way would require serpentine-style evasive maneuvers typically associated with soldiers dodging gunfire on the battlefield.”
I may be showing my age here, but seeing the phrase “serpentine-style evasive maneuvers” brought to mind the 1979 movie “The In-Laws.” In the movie, future in-laws Peter Falk (shady CIA-type) and Alan Arkin (mild-mannered dentist) get pulled into a wild adventure that at one point involves dodging gunfire on a South American airstrip. As they are are running toward the safety of a car, Peter Falk yells to Alan Arkin, “Serpentine! Serpentine!” and indicates that Arkin is to zig-zag across the field to avoid the gunfire.
Here’s the scene:
Watching the clip again, it makes me laugh. We don’t look quite that ridiculous trying to avoid each other out there, and I don’t want to make too light of what is in fact a deadly serious effort to save lives, but in a time when anxiety seems to be the leading emotion, what a relief to be able to release some of that anxiety in laughter.
I love podcasts. They entertain me, educate me, enlighten me, and quite often bring me joy. I discovered them about two years ago, and started listening as I walked in the morning and on long car rides. The collage at the top of this post shows the logos for some of my favorites. During this time of social distancing and sheltering in place, it seems to me that podcasts are one of the many ways that technology can help us maintain our positivity. If you have never listened to a podcast, here are some instructions on how to get started.
Yesterday was a long, exhausting day. Sam, his dad, and I drove down to Cincinnati (two cars) to move Sam out of his dorm room, which is actually a one bedroom apartment. The drive itself was fine. The move itself was busy but fine. It was the threat of COVID-19 that made the whole process exhausting. It’s nearly impossible to drive four hours somewhere and back without getting gasoline or visiting a public restroom at least once each way. Sanitize, sanitize. Then the actual move required us to make several trips into his dorm, up and down the elevator, to get the job done. Sanitize, sanitize, sanitize. We tried to use elbows and coat sleeves as much as possible to touch things, but even then the need to sanitize (even if it was purely emotionally-driven) after every encounter with a strange surface was draining.
On the drive home I had Sam in my car, and we were both wiped out and our anxiety was manifesting itself as crankiness. Then I pressed play on an episode of The Moth. The Moth is a podcast produced by Atlantic Public Media. An episode consists of three or four stories (one story per storyteller) told in front of a live audience. The stories must be true, “as remembered by the storyteller.” Each episode has a general theme. Moth stories have made me laugh and cry (sometimes within the same story), and they always renew my faith in humanity.
As we drove along, me focusing on the road, Sam listening while he also played a video game, I could feel the energy in the car shift. Sam cracked up at something one of the storytellers said, and the sound of his laughter calmed me more than the content of any of the stories we heard along the way. It was magical, the transformation that occurred. When we arrived back home, we were still tired, but our spirits were light.
Why does this make me feel stressed out when I don’t even need any more toilet paper?
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” – Maya Angelou
So, yesterday I said that I was attempting to manage my attitude toward the situation I find myself in, that we are all in our own way finding ourselves in, due to the COVID-19 global pandemic. In a world that is (temporarily) taking away our ability to control many aspects of our life (how and where we exercise, how or even if we work, how we socialize, how we take care of shopping, banking, medical appointments – the list goes on) the one thing we can control is our own attitude.
Yesterday I also wrote here that I would be working as part of a skeleton crew two to three days a week. Well, about a half hour after writing that I got word that my place of business is closing for the rest of this week to sort out how we can all work remotely beginning next week. Words I hear a lot these days are, “It’s a fluid situation.” As someone who loves structure and routine, those are not my favorite words, but I’m rolling with it. Below are some of the things that are helping me roll in the right direction.
Sleep. I’m going to sleep and waking about the same time every day, regardless of whether I have to go into work. This is something that I usually try to keep to anyway. I can’t remember the last time I slept in. When I get out of my sleep routine I can start to feel weird. I don’t like the logy feeling I get when I’ve slept too much. It feels just as bad to me as sleeping too little. Just the right amount (which for me is 7-8 hours) and at the right time works best for me.
Fresh Air and Exercise. I’m sticking to my first-thing-in-the-morning walks, but now that Chris’ gym is closed, he is joining me on this first walk of the day. First walk of the day because now that Sam is home he and I go on a couple more walks throughout the day and evening. Exercise is scientifically proven to reduce feelings of depression and anxiety. I always, always, always feel better after a walk, even if I was feeling fine before the walk. If, heaven forbid, we are asked sometime in the future to “shelter in place,” I will be the crazy (but happy!) lady walking laps around her own back yard (actually, I just heard that shelter-in-place orders allow for people to go out for walks and fresh air – phew!).
Writing. I have been keeping journals since I was a little girl and I find journaling very therapeutic. This blog is a sort of a journal for me, but I also keep a bullet journal and a gratitude journal. I will write more about my journals in future posts but if you’re wondering what these types of journals are, here are links that describe bullet journaling and gratitude journaling. I’m using my journals to document what is happening in the world and in my life at this time. Along the lines of documentation, I am taking pictures wth my phone of things like empty grocery store shelves, signs up in store windows, etc. This helps me process what is happening and see it as an historic event rather than something that is personal to me. I’m also taking a daily screenshot of the World Health Organization’s “dashboard” graphic that shows the number of cases in the world.
Enjoying Hobbies. A couple of weeks ago I bought a food dehydrator. It was a purchase I had been wanting to make for a couple of years, but I tend to agonize over purchases like that. Will I use it for only a week and then leave it to collect dust? Isn’t it awfully bulky? Like that. Finally, I decided to bite the bullet and just do it, and I am so very happy I did. So far I have made crackers, dried citrus slices (I can’t even tell you how delicious these are), tomato slices, and apple slices. Sam and I are going to make beef jerky one of these days. It’s so much fun! Another thing that Sam and I like to do is make puzzles. We spent many happy hours during his winter break making puzzles, so I’ve ordered a couple of 1,000-piece puzzles from Amazon and I’m looking forward to getting them.
Helping Others. We are making a daily trek to Open Door Coffee to get a takeaway coffee. We will be getting takeaway Mexican food from a local business that is feeling the pinch of social distancing. I have started calling my mom twice a day now that I’m home for the foreseeable future and she isn’t able to go to her usual daily social club that she loves. A friend and I are cooking up a fun project to spread some cheer in our neighborhood. I’m going to send out cards to friends celebrating the first day of Spring. Getting outside of my own head and taking actions to make the situation better for other people is a great way of using what little control I have for good.
Meditation. I try to meditate every day, using the “10 Percent” app, and I have been doing this for a couple of years now. I could write many paragraphs about meditation and will write a whole post about my meditation practice later this week, but meditation is something I need in order to mitigate my normal tendency toward anxiety. Especially right now, it is a non-negotiable for me, like brushing my teeth. It must get done, because it works.
Eating right. Oh, it would be so very easy to fall into the tempting pit of stress-eating right now. That Oreo cookie would comfort me so much! For the 5 seconds it takes to chew and swallow. Then I’ll need another Oreo because I’m still stressed out. And another. And another. Pretty soon the package of Oreos is gone, my body feels like crap, and my mind is still stressed out (actually, more stressed out now, because I’m angry at myself for eating all the Oreos). The truth about stress eating is that it only alleviates stress in the moment you are actually eating. It does absolutely nothing to help the situation. What I need now is a body and a mind that are as strong as I can possibly make them. How I am getting that is partially through eating three really healthy and tasty meals a day. No snacks. Again – non-negotiable.
Nature therapy. Spring is beginning to spring up all around us, and I am spending a lot of time really noticing what is going on in the natural world around me. We have two bird feeders outside one of our kitchen windows, and I could just watch the birds (and pesky squirrels) forever. The robins are back. Little green sprouts are popping up. Daffodils are getting ready for the amazing show they are about to put on for us. It is all loveliness and life out there- just what I need to focus on right now. It’s a balm for my soul.
Limit Media. Updates on the COVID-19 situation are coming in constantly. I could literally spend my whole day scrolling through news reports. I’ve decided this is not good for my mental state and I am limiting myself to one news outlet that has live updates (New York Times is offering unlimited free access to coronavirus-related content right now in exchange for your email address) that I will check twice a day, in the morning and evening.
Music. Music has such power to affect my mood. Unlike Oreos, I can binge on music and music videos and actually end up in a better mood (and not an ounce heavier!) There are some songs that just slay me with their beauty, or make me happy all over. I’m indulging in those types of songs these days.
I hope this list has helped you think of some things you can add to your life to keep yourself on a positive trajectory.
First of all, I want to be the first to predict that, when the big dictionary companies announce their “Word of the Year” for 2020, “social distancing” will be the clear winner. In years to come, when this pandemic is just a memory, the words “social distancing” will remain laden with connotation for all of us.
I am an introvert. When someone asks me if I’m planning to go to a certain social gathering, I’ll often ask “Will there be people there?” And I’m only half kidding. Maybe a quarter kidding.
Actually, not kidding at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I love people. I love humanity, with all of its flaws. And I love friendship and spending time with friends. As a huge fan of L.M. Montgomery’s book “Anne of Green Gables”, I have always been on the search for what Anne calls “kindred spirits.” Kindred spirits are not always easy to spot. Sometimes it’s the person you’d least expect and they reveal themselves when you least expect it. I love the C.S. Lewis quote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” One of my most treasured friendships was born at a library story time when I was sitting next to a woman whose three year old had done something outrageous. I whispered to her, “mine does that all the time,” and in that moment we bonded. I consider her a “bosom chum” even though we live far apart and don’t communicate near as much as we should.
There are many articles already written about how introverts are reacting to social distancing. This (tongue in cheek, I hope) article suggests that introverts “have been inadvertently training to fight coronavirus for years. And, even when it settles down, they’ll be ready for the next pandemic”. There are humorous memes floating about the internet on the matter that suggest that the social distancing associated with COVID-19 is an introvert’s dream.
I must admit there is a part of me that is happy I have enough food on hand that I don’t need to go to the grocery store for the next couple of weeks. The overcrowded stores associated with panic buying leave me completely drained of emotional energy. And I have to say that when I saw a photo of an almost empty Times Square the other day, a sense of calm came over me, like it might come over you when you see a photo of the ocean.
However, social distancing is not this introvert’s dream.
I will miss seeing our friend Daniel at the coffee shop each Saturday. He and his wife Joyce have become good friends of ours, and I’m glad that we recently went out to eat with them because it’s uncertain when we will be able to do that again. Daniel is in an especially vulnerable group and they just cannot risk any unnecessary contact. I will miss going to Chili’s on Saturday night and enjoying the company of our favorite bartenders, Michelle and Lisa. And I worry about how they will manage now. I worry about our local coffee shop, Open Door. It is owned and run by Deborah and staffed by the most lovely young people I have ever had the good fortune to meet. They are open for carry-out, so I will see them on a limited basis, but I worry how this social distancing will affect Deborah’s business. Today I bought a St. Patrick’s Day gift for Chris in the form of a large gift card to Open Door that he can use after this crisis is over. I got the gift card idea from an article on how to support local businesses that may be affected by social distancing.
There are some small silver linings that almost feel selfish to enjoy given the deadly nature of the dark cloud, but I believe that it’s important to my mental health to always find things to be grateful for amidst any situation. I am enjoying the at-a-distance interactions I’m having with fellow neighborhood-walkers these days. Our cheerful “hello” and “stay safe!” greetings make me feel that although we are deliberately staying at least six feet away from each other, we are in this together. When I walk each morning I usually have to be very careful about the timing and sometimes take an alternate route in order to avoid the noxious diesel exhaust of the school bus as it stops and starts through the neighborhood. All schools are canceled here now, most likely through the end of the year, and so I’m grateful for the clean air each morning. Sam is home from school now, a month and a half early, and I am grateful for the extra time we will have together. Finally, at work we have transitioned to a skeleton crew. For the time being, I only go in 2-3 days a week. I am grateful to have the extra time to spend with my family and work on things like this blog.
I saw a meme once that said “Relax. Nothing is under control.” I’m trying to relax into this temporary “new normal” – to accept what is, do what I can, and continue to look for the silver linings. Sometimes all that you can control is your attitude toward what is happening. Over the next couple of days, I will be sharing some things in my life that help me keep my attitude on the positive side.
