Well, December came in with a bang. Twelve-inches-plus of sticky snow, clinging so heavily to the trees that several large branches came down in our back yard, including one which landed on our cable and internet wires, causing them to be literally torn from our house (taking big chunks of siding with them).
But isn’t it lovely?
xoxo
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends here in the United States! This is a strange sort of Thanksgiving for just about everyone I know. Smaller gatherings, no travel.
Upon graduating college I entered the Air Force and spent several Thanksgivings away from family. After leaving the Air Force, I lived in Ohio, California, Texas, Illinois, and Ohio again. Some years travel for the holidays was possible. Other years it just wasn’t. I became used to different variations on the theme of turkey, family, and friends. Every year, though, brought the opportunity to reflect on the things that made me feel thankful. And there were so many things. No matter what else was going on. Thanksgiving 2009 was my family’s first Thanksgiving after my beloved brother Robert died. It was my first Thanksgiving knowing that my first marriage had ended. Thanksgiving 2014 saw me still in cancer treatment, and my dad had just died in October. Even in the saddest and strangest circumstances, I learned there was still much for which to be thankful.
Chris returned from California on Sunday. After spending that day in three different airports and two different flights, we knew that our Thanksgiving four days later needed to be different. Sam isn’t home for the holiday either, choosing to stay alone in his apartment for two weeks after his last day of work in a busy cafe. I will pick him up on December 6 and we will have a wonderful Christmas season together.
Chris and I have been avoiding contact with each other since he came home, wearing masks whenever we are in common areas of the house, eating our meals and sleeping in separate rooms. Tomorrow he will go to get his covid test, and if his results are negative we will feel confident eating our Thanksgiving meal together Sunday evening. It’s not a 14 day quarantine, but we feel pretty comfortable with the compromise.
I look at families that have the same Thanksgiving experience year after year after year and sometimes I am envious of those unchanging traditions, in much the same way that I am sometimes envious of couples who have been married for 50+ years. There is definitely something to admire in those situations; situations that my life has not provided. But I am so grateful that my life has given me the opportunity to see that even the things that I didn’t necessarily want to happen, even the challenges and deviations from the “perfect” life that have sometimes thrown me for a loop – none of these things have taken away my deep capacity for gratitude. Indeed, I feel that they have increased that capacity.
Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you.
Michelle xoxo
P.S. If you want a squirrel-resistant bird feeder like mine, here is the link.
Two weeks ago I dropped Chris off at the airport – his first film job since covid began. He gets back tonight, and will be quarantining in a separate part of the house until he gets a covid test later in the week. Even though we will be somewhat apart after he gets home, it will be nice to have him back. His job often takes him away, but this is the first time he’s been gone while I am also working remotely. The isolation has been weird, and makes me realize just how hard this must be for people like Sam, his only actual human interaction being his work at Panera and one in-person class a week. Sam and I talk a few times a day these days, but the telephone is no substitute for actually being in the presence of another person.
I’ve leaned more heavily on the natural world during these last two weeks. Driving out to the sunset when the weather permits, going for my morning walks. I bought a new bird feeder for the back yard. It is supposedly squirrel proof, and so far (I’ve had it for 24 hours now) that appears to be true. The squirrels have given it many quizzical looks, have tentatively climbed part-way up the pole, but have not been able to figure out how to access the food. I’m taking videos of their attempts and will post them here sometime soon.
As I gain more experience taking photos, I have found that my best photos result not from any technical skill that I have (which is minimal at this point!), but from my ability to pay really good attention to what is around me. This paying attention is also a skill that I find gets better with practice. I spend many minutes just watching the trees and feeder outside my kitchen window before the birds even show up. Most of the photos I take get deleted off the memory stick immediately (if I had a nickel for every photo of a bird that ended up not actually containing a bird, I’d have a lot of nickels). The watching ends up being a type of meditative practice. I am so focused on being ready when a bird shows up that all of the usual unhelpful inner chatter that goes on in my head gets pushed aside.
The leaves have all fallen to the ground now, and I spent a couple of hours yesterday raking the last ones up and dragging them to the curb, where they will be vacuumed up by the city this week. The once lushly leafed trees look so vulnerable in their bare state. There is a red-bellied woodpecker that hangs out in my back yard, and he hammers away quite vigorously at the bark of my beloved trees, searching for insects to eat. As beautiful as he is, I sometimes find myself wishing that he would eat elsewhere. Still, I’m sure the trees will survive it. The benefit to having the trees so bare is that I can see (and photograph) the birds better now, which is such a source of pleasure.
Mary Oliver once said in a poem, “To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” She also said “Attention is the beginning of devotion.” The idea of paying attention runs throughout her work, and is evident in her loving and lavish descriptions of the natural world. Paying attention to nature has become so important to me, and such a source of solace for me, during this pandemic. And I’m finding that once I practice paying attention in one part of my life, it spills over into others. That, I’m learning, makes the work of gratitude (and it can sometimes be hard work) so much easier. Attention may be the beginning of devotion, but I think it is also the beginning of gratitude.
Love,
Michelle xoxo
I catch a lot of sunrises these days – with the clocks turned back my morning walks coincide perfectly with the sunrise. Sunsets are a little trickier – I have to get in my car and drive to the best sunset vista in town. I have to make sure I start work early so that I can be out in time for the sunset, which at the moment happens at about 5:00.
Do you know why some sunsets are prettier than others? Much of it has to do with clouds. A sky with no clouds at all will produce your run-of-the-mill pretty sunset. Too many clouds, or too dense, and the sunset is hidden from view. What you need are scattered, wispy clouds. There are other factors of course – humidity, prior rainfall, visibility, and wind speed – but what I look for are the clouds.
Last night, alas, there were no clouds. It was incredibly warm, however, with temperatures in the sixties and into the seventies all day. I decided mid-afternoon that I would eat my evening meal whilst watching the sunset, so after work I rushed over to our local sandwich shop and grabbed a steak-and-cheese sandwich (the photo isn’t very pretty – definitely not “Instagram worthy” – but boy, was it delicious), a bag of chips, and a Diet Pepsi and off I went.
It was a beautiful night, and I could forget for an hour or so the craziness that continues in this country.
Love,
Michelle xoxo
There is a tradition in our neighborhood (and perhaps yours) that if someone has something still of value that they want to get rid of, they put it out by the curb a couple of days before the garbage pickup. Usually one person’s trash is another person’s treasure (as when Sam found a perfectly good xBox console in front of the house of neighbors who were hastily cleaning house before a move) and everyone emerges from the deal satisfied.
On my walk this morning I saw that my neighbor Barbara had put out this mirror. I was sorely tempted to take it, but my overall tendency these days is to get rid of, not acquire.
I did, however, see an opportunity to take some photos. I did not touch the mirror; I simply took my photos from different angles and positions.
Maybe I’m feeling extra-introspective this week, but the mirror made me think about perspective – about how something can look so different depending upon what angle is used to view it.
Peace and love to you,
Michelle xoxo
Yesterday I promised you some photos from my snowy morning walk. The snow is all gone now – it was just winter’s warning shot across the bow. Not that we can do anything to halt its progress. The cold, the dark, the icy ground that will make my morning walks treacherous – they are on their way, whether I like it or not. Which brings us to today’s election. I’ll be voting in person today. My one teeny bit of control over this incredible, messy process which is democracy. Once I’ve submitted my ballot and have returned home, there will be nothing for me to do but watch it unfold. The approaching winter and this crazy election – both opportunities for me to practice surrendering to something that is greater than me. I’m still the hummingbird – I will still try as hard as I can to do what is right and to influence others for good. But for my own peace of mind, I need to accept with grace the things in life that just happen, whether I want them to or not.
I wish you peace today, friend.
Love,
Michelle xoxo
Now that the clocks have been turned back, I’m once again beginning my morning walk in daylight – while it lasts. This morning, as I was walking out the door, I was surprised to see a deer in our front yard. She was surprised to see me, too, but not frightened. What a lovely way to start my day.
Oh, yes – it snowed last night. I’ll post my photos of my snowy walk tomorrow.
Happy Monday!
Love,
Michelle xoxo
In the US we are approaching an Election Day unlike any I have ever known in my 57 years. Each side believes there is more at stake than in any other election – some have stated that the very soul of this country is at stake. Nearly 70 percent of Americans responding to a recent survey said that the presidential election was a significant source of stress in their lives, with 76 percent of Democrats and 67 percent of Republicans experiencing anxiety.
This election would be difficult in the best of circumstances, but of course we’re not dealing with the best of circumstances. COVID-19. Political polarization at all levels, from our national leaders to our neighbors. Isolation. The end of longer, sunnier days. If there was ever a perfect storm of anxiety triggers, this is it.
I must confess my coping mechanisms in the last two weeks have not been helpful. Hello snacking, my old friend. Yes, Michelle, peanuts and dried apricots are “healthy foods,” but not by the fistful. And I won’t even get into the “left over” Halloween candy.
But I’m trying, friends. And I’m also trying to not be too tough on myself when my choices aren’t the wisest. Each day I pick myself back up, dust myself off, and try again.
Of course, nature is still there for me. The gloomy weather we had all week finally broke yesterday and we had a glorious, albeit chilly, perfect autumn day. As I walked through “my” woods at the end of the street, I was very conscious of soaking in every golden shaft of sunlight, knowing the weather could turn at any moment (and today has been a weird mix of gloom, snippets of sunshine, and high winds – with our power even flickering once).
My favorite things to photograph in the woods these days:
Wherever you are, whatever you are dealing with, I hope you find some gentle ways to cope. If you have a wild place to retreat to, whether it be a beach, desert trail, forest, or merely a tiny green space with a tree or two – I highly suggest some nature therapy. Bundle up if necessary. I guarantee it will do you some good.
Love,
Michelle xoxo
Yesterday the US reported more than 83,000 new Covid-19 cases – its highest one-day number since the pandemic began. Epidemiologists say we will easily see six-digit numbers in the upcoming weeks. With the weather getting colder by the day, this can only mean one thing for all prudent people.
Time to hunker down.
I have an especially good motivation for hunkering down. The test results that I mentioned a few posts ago were actually not strictly routine. My white blood cell counts have never really bounced back since my cancer treatment ended, and my blood work in early September had shown the number go even lower than that “new normal.” Suddenly my doctors were talking about retakes and consultations with hematologists and all sorts of scary things like that. Hence the re-take in early October and my anxiety about the impending results.
The good news is that my numbers are back up. Not all the way up to normal, but much better than September and even a tenth of a point better than this time last year. It is suspected that the Diphtheria/Tetanus booster I had after my bike accident (which was about 6 days before the initial blood tests) affected my counts. I’m still concerned about my immune system and have been given the name of an immunologist by a fellow breast cancer survivor whose immune system was also damaged by her treatment. I never really thought too much about my immune system before Covid. I guess I’ll take as a silver lining the fact that the pandemic has motivated me to see what can be done to fix the damage done by chemo and radiation.
So, hunkering down. Of course I’ve been staying home and away from other humans far more than many people have. I haven’t been to my hair stylist since March 10. Chris and I haven’t gone to a restaurant since the pandemic began. I know I should go to the dentist, but the thought of all that spit flying around from people getting their teeth cleaned freaks me out a bit. I’ve been working from home 100% of the time, but when our busy season rolls around in December I’ll have to go back in some of the time. Luckily I have an employer that cares about my situation and I’m being given a private office with a door when I go back.
The photos today are of things that are making me happy as I prepare for the colder months. I think it will be really important this winter, more than any other winter in the past, to create a cozy nest – a place of comfort and joy in a time that is always cold and dark, and now has the added twist of pandemic.
Fresh flowers will be a priority. I love fresh cut flowers always, but especially in winter. And as inexpensive as grocery store blooms are, I can’t think of a better investment in contentment. My Trader Joe’s dahlias from last week faded more quickly than I would have liked, but there were several buds in the bunch and I am now looking forward to their bloom.
I bought myself two warm, cozy, bright sweaters that I love. The colors themselves are so cheerful and warming. I always remember the saying, “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing,” and I’m determined this winter to dress warmly, expecially since my only “outings” will be into nature.
I’m reveling in the foods of the season: apples, acorn squash, brussels sprouts. I’ve discovered something called bircher muesli, which is a combination of grated apple, oats, nuts, seeds, dried fruit, and yogurt. I have it nearly every morning for breakfast and I find it both delicious and sustaining.
I’m looking around at my physical environment here at home and finding ways to make it work better for me. For years my beloved secretary desk has sat in the cramped space behind Chris’ piano, and since I couldn’t flip the desktop down easily, it became a dumping ground for old papers, receipts, random cards and gift bags – basically it became a very large “junk drawer.” Because I couldn’t use it as a desk, I took to putting my stationery, journals, nice pens, and washi tape collection in a basket that sat in a corner of the kitchen, attracting its own collection of clutter. Last weekend I had a lightbulb moment – switch the secretary desk out for a small bookshelf that sat in the dining room. Many hours and many garbage and shred bags later, my desk is ready for action and Chris has much more room at the piano.
How are you preparing for this long winter?
Love,
Michelle xoxo
I went on a walk around the block at lunchtime today and took these photos. The last few days have been typical late October – rainy, gloomy, chilly at times. Dark too early. My morning walk takes place in darkness now. Sigh. There’s so much beauty, though, and I’m soaking in as much as I can before the trees lose all those gorgeous leaves.
I haven’t been here for several days because I fell into a common trap for me – overworking. Ten hour days do not make for a healthy work-life balance, and I am attempting to gain that balance back again. Today I forced myself to spend only eight hours at my work computer. I actually took a lunch break. I felt more like a real person and less like a number crunching zombie. Over the next few days I hope to take more photos, write more here, and take better care of myself.
Love,
Michelle xoxo