Michelle – Page 12 – Measure of Calm

April 25, 2021April 25, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Just As I Promised…

Hello Friends,

I promised you last weekend that I would be here this weekend, and here I am! Not sure what I’m about to write, but here goes…

The last several days have been full. We are in one of our quarterly busy times at work, and the load I have been given is pretty enormous. I thought I would have to put in some significant overtime (which I wasn’t really looking forward to but there are some pieces of clothing I could purchase guilt-free if I had a little overtime cash in the bank…) but it looks like that won’t be necessary. One of my teammates has stepped up to help me out – she has a full docket herself so isn’t able to do any super heavy lifting for me, but the amount that she has been able to offer has made a serious quality-of-life difference for me during this time, and I am eternally grateful to her.

In other work-related news, I was given the official word that my company wants me to continue to work from home until the end of September. They have actually asked me to temporarily move all of my things out of my cubicle until October because they have been in the enviable position of experiencing great growth during the pandemic and have hired so many new people that they will be expanding into additional office space in our building (which won’t be ready until October). I have mixed feelings about extending my work-from-home status, especially now that I am fully vaccinated. I have some dear colleagues that I miss so much. Still, I’m going to look at this time as a gift and appreciate all that it has to offer.

We had about 3-4 inches of snow last week. It was pretty crazy to wake up and see all that snow piled up on the hummingbird feeder – I’ll bet some of those early travelers are regretting their haste to move north – but I quickly knocked all the snow off just in case. The snow was gone by bedtime (replaced by another dusting the next day), but I still have no hummingbird sightings of my own to report. Soon (I keep telling myself)!

As you can see from my photos above, we have had some fox sightings lately. The little guy/gal cuts through our back yard regularly, sometimes carrying a small furry or feathered meal in his/her mouth. One of the “meals” looked very much like a baby rabbit, and I had to hum “The Circle of Life” to myself in order to stem the tears. 😉

I’m writing this missive from the couch of Sam’s apartment in Cincinnati. I drove down here yesterday in order to drive him to his second Covid shot, and I’ve stayed the night in order to do some serious mama-level-comforting in case he feels like crap today. The jury is still out on that, as he is still asleep. I might have to wake him up soon, because I’ve already cleaned his kitchen, taken out the trash, and tidied up his living room, haha. I do have to say that he keeps a very tidy apartment, which is amazing since he inherited slob genes from both myself and his dad. There must be a recessive trait at work here.

Well, gang, I think that’s all for now. You take care, and I’ll see you next weekend.

Love,

Michelle xoxo

April 18, 2021April 18, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Catch Up

Yikes! It’s been four weeks since I’ve last written here. At the beginning of the year I promised myself I would write in my blog at least once a week – it was part of my one word theme for 2021 – “Tend.” The idea was to tend to all of the things that are important to me – family, friends, my health, my photography, my writing. Aye-yi-yi. I’ll spare you any excuses and just say I’m brushing myself off and getting right back on the wagon.

Although I’ve been absent from my blog, it’s been a fruitful four weeks for me . I’ve done a lot of reading – some favorites have been The Jane Austen Society by Natalie Jenner (gentle and lovely) and the Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch (magical cops and river gods – super fun).

I’ve been faithful to my yoga. I’m up every morning practicing with Adriene, of “Yoga with Adriene” fame (here’s her YouTube channel). I’m definitely noticing a difference in my strength, balance, and general physical confidence after practicing daily for three and a half months now. In recent years I’ve found myself getting more tentative physically, and I don’t like it. Last summer Sam and I walked on a massive rock wall along the seashore, and I hated the feeling of fragility I experienced as I picked my way along the wall. “Don’t fall and break your hip, for goodness sake,” some new inner voice warned. Ugh. Yoga is giving me the physical tools to be able to reply to that voice, “Yes, I’ll be careful – but I’ve got this. Don’t worry.”

Spring is most definitely here (although we continue to have some chilly days – this morning was 32 degrees as I worked in the garden). I haven’t gotten down to my park at the end of the street basically since my last blog post, but I’ve been out walking the neighborhood with Chris a couple of times a day, and I’ve of course been observing the birds in our back yard every day. Robins are everywhere, bob-bob-bobbing-along, and I’ve noticed several nesting pairs of various bird species gathering nesting materials.

Soon it will be hummingbird time! I’ve been following the spring migration through this website, which collects hummingbird sightings from ordinary hummingbird-lovers like me. I put the feeder out last week, as there have been a few ruby-throated hummingbird sightings in Ohio since early April. So far I haven’t had any visitors that I’ve noticed, but it’s only a matter of time.

I’ve got a spring/summer project of revitalizing the flower beds around our house. I am not a natural gardener – I tend to start strong and then totally lose interest around early June, letting the weeds take over. Part of the problem is that I’m not a big fan of being out in the sun these days, but I’m starting a routine of going out either first thing in the morning on the weekends or in early evening right before dusk during the week. I took some “before” pictures, and I will let you know how it’s going a couple of times this summer. That should give me some motivation to keep it up!

I got my second Covid shot last Wednesday! The day after my shot I had a bit of a fever (up to 101) and a constant headache. I have a very low threshold for headache pain and so I spent the day in bed alternating between sleeping and taking in fluids. By Friday morning, I was back to normal. I am so grateful for the scientists who developed my vaccine (and for Dolly Parton for helping to fund its development!) and am looking forward to a life slightly more normal this summer.

Sam graduates from University in two weeks. He can’t wait, of course, and I am blown away (not for the first or hundredth time these days) by how quickly time goes by when you reach a certain point in life. I am so proud of his hard work, especially during his senior year when he has been so isolated due to Covid. In order for him to have some human contact, I encouraged him to get a part-time job, and he has been getting up at 4am three days a week and walking 20 minutes to start his 5-10am shift prepping food at a restaurant. Sometimes when I wake up at 6:30 bleary-eyed and wanting more snooze-time I think to myself, “Sam’s already been working for an hour and a half!” That gets me going.

As I write this I am sitting in what I like to refer to as “my cozy spot” – it’s a Chesterfield love seat in our front room, loaded up with soft pillows and a snuggly blanket. It’s my favorite place to hang out – I like to sit here typing and watching people pass by with their dogs and/or babies in strollers (and there is one woman who walks her dog IN a stroller), neighbors working in their yards, and cars zooming (too fast) down the street, most likely on the way to little league practice in the park at the end of the street or some other emergency. Usually Sunday afternoons hold the dreaded “Sunday Anxieties” for me, but I’m feeling pretty chill right now.

I hope you have a wonderful week, and I’ll see you here next weekend (I promise!)

Love,

Michelle xoxo

March 21, 2021March 21, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Signs of Spring

Happy Spring! Slowly, slowly, signs of spring are emerging all around. The robins are back. Crocuses and snowdrops are blooming, about to be followed by the daffodils. Trees are budding out.

Today I took my camera to my local park (very local, as it is located at the end of my street) to capture some of this spring awakening on film (well, memory card). I left the trail and found a fallen tree that made a perfect seat upon which to sit, look, and listen. I hung out there a good hour and a half. I heard what I’m sure was a pileated woodpecker somewhere off in the distance (they make quite a racket). I was slightly spooked by a vulture slowly soaring by, sniffing out carrion (I confess I took this opportunity to stand up and move around a bit). I saw a few smaller woodpeckers doing their thing, but they were too far away for me to get a good photo.

Then I saw a couple of black capped chickadees hanging out in a nearby bush. One at a time, taking turns, the chickadees flew to a nearby (standing) dead tree and pecked at it. There was already a hole in the tree and they nearly disappeared completely into the hole as they worked on enlarging it. We get chickadees at our feeder, but I had never seen this type of behavior in our backyard before. I subsequently found out from this article on the Audubon Society’s website that chickadees build their nests in holes they create in trees. After the male and female nesting pair create the hole (about 8 inches deep), the female will line it with moss or fur to make it comfy for the eggs and nestlings.

I don’t know what I thought the chickadees were doing (eating wood? bugs?) but when I found out that they were making a nest together, it filled me with joy. I’ve never witnessed a bird actually making a nest – ever! We did have a robin make a nest on our front door wreath last spring, which was very cool and a little annoying (having to go in and out of the house through the garage door until the fledglings left the nest weeks later), but we didn’t actually see her create it. What a treat it was, on this gorgeous, sunny, warm, early spring day, to be able to hang out with the chickadees and watch them prepare for their babies’ arrival.

Love,

Michelle xoxo

March 10, 2021March 10, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Light at the End of the Tunnel

On this day one year ago I was sitting in the chair at my hair stylist’s getting a cut and color. My stylist Amanda and I discussed this coronavirus thing that was happening. The first case in Ohio had been reported just the day before. That night I had chorus practice – can you believe it? Just about the worst activity I could have been participating in, but we were all so innocent/ignorant then. During practice we heard that the virus had been reported in the county just north of us. It was such an ominous feeling, a feeling of “It’s coming for us now.” I’ll never forget that feeling.

Little did I know that my cut and color that day would be my last for a long while (I’ve decided to get a cut but no color after I’m fully vaccinated). The hair that I could barely get into a ponytail holder can now be French braided or put in a bun.

Little did we know that our visit to Chili’s a few days later would be our last, possibly forever. I remember sitting in Chili’s and one of the bartenders was speculating that movie theaters would shut down soon. It seemed preposterous at the time. Could that really happen? And even when it DID happen, we were all sure it would be a very temporary state of affairs. A couple weeks, a month maybe.

What a surreal 12 months it has been. So difficult in so many ways. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel now, getting brighter all the time. Yes, I know the vaccines have been out for a few months, but it’s personal now. My mother has had both of her shots. My sister gets her second shot soon. Several friends are now fully vaccinated. Chris got his first shot today. And last night I was able to make an appointment for my first shot.

Soon I’ll make that haircut appointment. I’ll make other appointments (eye doctor, dentist) that I’ve put off during this time. Life will start to look a little more normal.

Of course the new normal won’t be exactly the same as our pre-Covid days, and some of that is by choice. We’ve decided that we enjoy our at-home Saturday date nights more than we did our Chili’s date nights. I won’t be returning to chorus – I enjoyed it, but it also stressed me out, and I’ve decided my free time is too precious for more stress. I’m sure I’ll be returning to the office sometime in the next few months, but I’m hoping that even after I return, there will be some opportunity to work from home occasionally. We’ll see.

For now, I’m just so grateful for the scientists who have created these vaccines. Where would we be without them? Still wandering around in the dark, I’m sure.

Thank you for the light, my scientist friends.

Love,

Michelle xoxo

February 28, 2021February 28, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

February Sunset

The thing I love so much about my favorite sunset-watching park is that I can go there all by myself as the daylight comes to an end, and I never feel afraid. That is because if there is a sunset, there will be other sunset watchers. I’ve never been there, at any time in the year, and been the only one there for the sunset. There are people with dogs, people with babies, high school friend groups, other older females there alone. And even in these Covid times there is plenty of space for everyone to enjoy the sunset safely.

Ever since mid-March of 2020 my opportunities to be safely around other people have been extremely limited. Grocery store trips, doctor’s offices, waving at people across the street as we go for a neighborhood walk (we’re all so good now about crossing well before we encounter other people) – that has pretty much been the extent of my in-person experiences with those outside my family.

I was talking with my friend Beth during our weekly Zoom call yesterday and we were reminiscing about going to live events – concerts, movies, plays. One of the things we agreed that we missed about live events was the collective energy you feel from being in a room with many people all excited about the entertainment to come. You just don’t get that from watching something on television. When I watch my sunsets, I feel that same sort of communal vibe. We’re all there to experience the incredible beauty of what is about to unfold right in front of us. Of course there are the occasional annoying people (hello, can you corral your dog/child/loud mouth please?), but the vast majority speak in hushed voices, make sure they are not blocking the views of other people, and wear masks even though we are outdoors and spaced much more than 6 feet apart.

The sunset pictured above was last Wednesday. My photos can’t come close to capturing how stunning it was (I was using my iPhone, as I usually do for sunsets – I might have to break out the “real” camera for my next outing). It inspired me to get out there earlier in the month in March and maybe catch more than one sunset during the month. I don’t know how I can have nearly an entire month go by (January and February both) without doing something that gives me SO much pleasure. Do you have something like that in your life? Something you love to do but never seem to find the time to do?

Let’s make sure to find the time.

Have a great week, friends!

Michelle xoxo

February 21, 2021February 21, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

The Birds are Back

Yes, I know I’m not a bird, but I’m really cute.

Hello! I don’t think I’ve written about our bird friends since we put the feeder back up. If you’ll recall, I had to take the feeder down for a couple of weeks because some of the house finches were showing signs of an eye disease called mycoplasmal conjunctivitis. I gave the feeder a good cleaning and a bath in a 1:10 mixture of bleach and water (in the actual bathtub, because the darn thing didn’t fit anywhere else). The birds are back at the feeder, which gives me great joy, and I’ve been keeping a very close eye on our finch friends. So far, no funky eyes. Thank goodness.

Last weekend I participated in the Great Backyard Bird Count, a joint venture between the Audubon Society and Cornell University’s Ornithology Lab. I was one of 267,866 participants from 176 different countries. It was incredibly easy and so much fun. All I had to do was download the Merlin app (a free birdwatching app provided by Cornell), look for birds in my backyard (it didn’t have to be my backyard – could have been a park, etc) for at least 15 minutes over the course of the weekend, and submit my sightings through the app. I got a lot of satisfaction knowing that I was a small part of such a massive citizen science project. Here is a lovely video sent out by Cornell to thank the participants.

One of my goals on my 20 for 2020 list was to take yoga lessons. I had taken in-person yoga lessons in the past and had also practiced on my own (using online tutorials), but I hadn’t done much yoga lately and wanted to get back into it. I never did take any in-person lessons in 2020, for obvious reasons, and I also never got in the groove of trying any of the many yoga videos/lessons that can be found on YouTube. I had been doing a lot of general stretching during the day, because sitting at a computer all day really does a number on my back, but never made the transition to yoga – until about ten days ago. I rediscovered “Yoga with Adriene” on YouTube – I don’t even remember what made me take the plunge again, but I’m so grateful to be practicing yoga again. In the short time I’ve been back practicing, I can notice a difference in my flexibility and strength, especially in my core. It’s a tiny difference to be sure, but it’s enough to get me hooked again.

My busy season at work is, for all practical purposes, over. There will be other, smaller, busy times later this year, but nothing like what we just went through. Last week was my first week back working 8-hour days. Instead of logging onto my work computer at 7:00 each morning, I now have a leisurely early morning of riding my stationary bike for 30 minutes, followed by 20-40 minutes of yoga before getting ready for work and logging in at 8:30. What a relief!

The skies were beautiful today – clear, blue, sunny. I had planned to go to my sunset-watching park and catch tonight’s sunset. However, when I woke up from a nap at 4:00 (I love my weekend naps) the skies had completely clouded over. No sunset tonight. At the beginning of January I promised myself I’d watch at least one sunset a month, and February is quickly drawing to a close. Thursday and Friday’s weather forecasts look promising, but I really must start front-loading my sunset each month from now on to avoid this last minute scramble (I seem to recall I did the same thing in January)!

Have a wonderful week, friends. Stay warm!

Love,

Michelle xoxo

February 14, 2021February 14, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Joyful

I’m very interested in the subjects of happiness and joy, and how to get more of both in my life. As I have gotten older, the meaning of the word “happiness” has shifted, from some state of perfection (I’ll be happier when I’m thinner, have more money in the bank, a different job, etc) to a sense of contentment with what “is.” To me, happiness is completely dependent on my attitude toward whatever is going on in my life. Certainly, there are some events in people’s lives that can stretch this to the breaking point, but on average most lives are pretty even-keeled and, dare I say, mundane most of the time. It’s finding the contentment in the mundane that interests me most, and my practice of gratitude goes a long way toward helping me find that contentment.

Joy, in my experience, is something completely different than happiness, but it can contribute toward happiness.

When I think of joy, I think of being suffused by positive feelings as a response to something very particular. Joy can come on suddenly – imagine the feeling of seeing a mother deer and her fawn crossing your back lawn – but the positive vibrations of that moment can continue long beyond the moment. Watching a beautiful sunrise, for example, can create a buzz within that keeps you smiling throughout the day.

I’m really enjoying a book right now that is all about joy. It’s called, “Joy: The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness” and it’s written by Ingrid Fetell Lee. The author sets out to answer the question, “How do tangible things create an intangible feeling of joy?” She combines anecdotal evidence with scientific studies to try to identify what it is about certain things that activate joy within us.

There are ten chapters in the book, each identifying a quality of objects or experiences that tend to generate the feeling of joy. I won’t list them all here. I’m only a few chapters into the book, but what Lee says resonates with me. In Chapter One she discusses the power of bright color to bring joy. Think rainbows, sunrises, sunsets, flowers, hummingbirds! I definitely have felt the power of color in my life. Recently, in an effort to make my meals more intentional (as opposed to eating lunch while working on an Excel file on my work computer), I bought a few colorful placemats and cloth napkins in the bright patterns associated with the Provence region in France. Each time I sit down for breakfast and lunch these days, the colors make me feel good. Joyful. The meal itself becomes more satisfying.

As I was thinking about color and joy this weekend, I looked around to other colorful things in my life that bring me joy:

Potted flowering spring bulbs bought at the grocery store on Thursday.
My collection of bright scarves, which bring a sense of joy that my neutral colored tops and trousers could never hope to generate.
Fruit!
My new placemats and cloth napkins
An orange tea towel bought from the same vendor as the placemats and napkins.
Our coffee and tea caddies, with their colorful varieties of teas and coffee pods.
My favorite pottery pieces (which I use more often now that I’m paying more attention to the aesthetics of my meals).

What colorful things bring you joy?

Love,

Michelle xoxo

PS – This is my 100th blog post. Can you believe it?

February 7, 2021February 7, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

Things That Make Me Happy: My Food Dehydrator

As a child I was a picky eater. If pressed, I would eat an apple, but I wouldn’t be thrilled about it. Ditto vegetables – I’d eat carrots, potatoes, peas, and green beans. Period. The other day Chris showed me a little meme-quiz which listed about 50 different foods and said, “Give yourself one point for each food you would not eat.” I was pleased that my score was 2 (liver, oysters). I have gotten to the point where I love most vegetables and no meal feels complete without some sort of vegetable accompaniment, even if it’s the glass of low-sodium V8 juice that I have with my breakfasts.

Still, I am always looking for ways to increase my consumption of fruits. Although I went through my smoothie phase (6 years of daily fruit/veg smoothies, before losing interest – but I’m sure I’ll be back some day), I generally have never had a tendency to just pick up a piece of fruit because it looks yummy. Instead it has always been more of a “this is good for me and I should eat it” situation.

My food dehydrator has changed all that. Each week we buy and eat an amount of fruit that would have amazed the childhood me. I spend an hour or so on Saturday and Sunday washing and cutting oranges, apples, and pears for drying. My dehydrator has 6 trays (this is the model I have, if you are interested) and I need two batches to get through each week’s supply of fruit.

I used to mindlessly snack on the fruit through the day, but as I have banished snacking (which will be another post entirely), I have a small bowl of mixed dried fruit with my breakfast and lunch. I am mindful of the fact that dried fruit is more concentrated in natural sugars than fresh, and am careful of my portions. But what a treat! I’m no longer eating fruit only because it’s good for me – I’m eating it because it is truly delicious.

And that makes me happy.

Have a good week, friends!

Love,

Michelle xoxo

January 31, 2021January 31, 2021 Michelle Uncategorized

An Anniversary

January 31 is a bittersweet day for me. An anniversary of something I wish had never happened. A day I’d like to erase all memories of. The day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A day that now marks my milestones in cancer survivorship. Today I am a seven-year survivor of breast cancer.

I remember the exact moment I heard the words. I was a teacher at the time. It was a snow day. I was sitting at my kitchen counter eating a healthy breakfast of a chia seed berry smoothie bowl. I had undergone a biopsy of a suspicious 9-centimeter region that showed up on my yearly breast MRI a few days before. My mammogram 6 months earlier had shown nothing suspicious, however having dense breasts made the reading of the films quite challenging. I was being screened every 6 months (alternating mammograms and MRIs) because of certain risk factors (previous biopsies, dense breasts, late childbearing, early first period) and I was also given a physical breast exam by a surgical oncologist every six months. The idea was that if anything ever did show up, we would catch it when it was tiny.

So there I was, starting to eat my smoothie bowl when the call came. It was my surgical oncologist. She told me to come down to her office and bring someone. I replied that I was on my way, but if it was bad news I’d like to hear it now. “It’s invasive lobular carcinoma. I can’t believe it,” she said. She sounded dumbfounded. A 9-centimeter cancerous mass. In case you haven’t figured it out, that is enormous in the world of breast cancers. Scarily huge. How could it have evaded detection all this time? I was soon to learn that lobular breast cancer is a sneaky son of a bitch. It doesn’t form nice, round tumors like its cousin, ductal carcinoma. Lobular carcinoma forms flat sheets of cells, then slowly builds upon those sheets. A lobular carcinoma tumor can live quite a while in lumpy, dense breasts without raising any particular red flags. It often can’t be seen on mammograms, and in my experience can also evade detection by MRI.

I got up and dumped my smoothie bowl in the sink. I had lost my appetite, and would have no appetite for literally about a year and a half (I don’t recommend this particular diet).

Ten months of treatment ensued, beginning with 8 rounds of chemotherapy. After my chemotherapy I had a repeat breast MRI. The results came in – no evidence of cancer. My medical oncologist was beaming. “I love when this happens,” she said. At her urging, I opted for a lumpectomy instead of the bilateral mastectomy I was leaning toward.

The pathology of the lumpectomy showed continued presence of lobular carcinoma cells, and no clean margins.

“That lobular cancer is sneaky,” I heard for the fifth, or sixth, or twentieth time. I had lost track.

Bilateral mastectomy and 30 radiation treatments came next, and then I was declared to be in remission. My hair was growing back. I was slowly gaining weight. But I was so used to being tricked by that bastard lobular cancer that I couldn’t believe that the cancer wasn’t still lurking in my lungs. Or brain. Or spine. It took me an entire year to realize that it didn’t matter if it was still lurking. What mattered is that I had limited time here on earth. That I had always had limited time here. That these were the golden days – days when I was healthy enough to do anything I wanted to do. Time was a-wasting and I needed to get busy living my life.

I will never be one of those people who say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them. No, it is the absolutely worst thing to ever happen to me. But there were powerful lessons learned. Lessons I don’t know if I would have ever learned without some sort of comparable crisis. And those lessons were:

Life is short. Get busy living. NOW. I mean it! What are you still doing here reading this?
Love is all that matters.
None of us knows what is around the next bend in our lives. It could be something incredibly good, or heartbreakingly bad. The only thing we can be sure of is what is happening in this very moment. If this moment is mundane, or boring, or full of everyday frustrations – well, put that in the “win” column. I try not to get too caught up in things that might seem important but really don’t matter one whit.

I am currently living a life of gratitude. I know that I am beyond lucky to still be here 7 years later. I have lost several friends to cancer since my diagnosis in 2014. Every anniversary, every birthday is a gift. I love love love growing older. Bring on the wrinkles and gray hair!

When I was diagnosed, Sam was a freshman in high school and I honestly thought that I wouldn’t see him graduate high school. He’s now a senior in college, set to graduate 4 months from now. I’m pretty sure I’ll be around for that day. But a few moments ago I had a phone conversation with him, which ended, as they always end, with these words: “I love you, honey.” “I love you, Mom.”

See #2 above.

Michelle xoxo