We’ve had several rainy days in a row and I have to say that I am “talking to myself and feelin’ old,” and “nothin’ ever seems to fit,” but that last bit could just be me eating too many pieces of dried mango. I’ll get back to you on that.
But seriously, it is easy to feel not so great when it’s raining and I’m afraid to look at my retirement account and social security could become a thing of the past and I’m just generally feeling untethered.
I know that when the weather turns and I can comfortably get outside again for my hikes I will feel much better. I know that moods are temporary. When I am in a bad mood like this I try to name it and see it for what it is – partly situational, partly chemical (as in, my natural body chemistry). I think it’s important to keep my self-talk on an even keel when I feel these depressed moods. Like a rain cloud, it will soon move on.
I hope you are feeling OK these days, friends. I’m thinking about you. Stay strong. We can do this.
Love (and apologies to Paul Williams – but what an incredibly relatable set of lyrics),
It’s sometimes hard to believe that spring is actually here – friends and family up in Maine were shoveling snow over the weekend – but unmistakeable signs of spring are showing up everywhere. Daffodils, crocuses, buds on the trees, longer days. I feel a relaxing inside that I know is partially due to the changing season. Of course, it is also partially due to the fact that I am no longer working at the real-life version of The Office. Retirement life suits me. Even if I wasn’t helping with my mother, I couldn’t imagine being one of those retired people that doesn’t know what to do with themselves. I feel like my days are very full, and I could find a way to fill them in a meaningful way no matter what.
I am currently living in the middle of a fairly well-forested area. There are several hiking trails within the town limits, a few trailheads even within walking distance from this house, and I am clawing my way back to fitness after letting it slide a bit during my final months of work. I am outside every single morning, unless it is raining. Long ago on this blog I wrote about forest bathing (link to the post here), and I truly feel like my health has improved just by spending a few hours a day in wild areas.
I have seen many new “life list” birds since moving here, which has been exciting. Serious bird watchers keep a “life list” of birds they have seen during the course of their lives. Apps such as ebird (link here) which is run by the Cornell University School of Ornithology, can make keeping a life list easy and fun.
I feel like my life is very meaningful at the moment. I’m not just earning a paycheck, which is what my last job 100% felt like. Back in 2020 I wrote about the Japanese concept of Ikigai, which roughly translates into having a reason to get up in the morning – a purpose for living (link that that post here). At the time I wrote that post, we were in the middle of a pandemic. I wrote at the time:
“The world is a crazy place right now. Let’s face it, the world has always been a crazy place, for as long as humans have run the show, but it feels especially crazy these days. And it feels especially out of our control right now, like a runaway train threatening to jump the tracks at every turn. Your response to this could be anger or despair (and believe me, I’ve seesawed between both of those feelings, especially in the last 24 hours). I’m choosing to go back to what I can control – myself, my attitude, my actions. I’m reacquainting myself with what I can do to project love into the world.”
This weekend I am participating, with many people across the entire United States, in a protest against the current regime. I am protesting because it turns out I love the Constitution of the United States very much, and I am going to project that love into the world.
I write to you from my bedroom in my new, interim, home in Connecticut. I’ve been very busy since my last post on January 20th. I honestly don’t know where to start in catching you up, so I’ll skip that part.
I also don’t want to talk too much about what occupies a lot of my mind lately – the rape and pillage of my country that apparently is winning the approval of an astounding percentage of my fellow Americans. I feel incredibly and deeply heartbroken.
My days here have found a rhythm and routine. My mornings are spent out in nature, exploring new parks and nature preserves. My afternoons and evenings are spent with my Mom. Both the nature and the mom-duty are balms to my troubled soul. Both remind me of what is really important. When the world falls apart and people applaud evil, nature remains. Love remains.
This will be a short post just to get me back into the swing of things. I’ll let my photos do most of my talking.
Today is a strange old day. We are having, maybe not record-breaking cold temperatures here in northeast Ohio, but certainly dangerously cold temperatures. It is a Monday but I technically have the day off, although I plan to work all day anyway. I have 6 weeks left at my job and there will be an enormous amount of work to plow through up until the very last day. I prefer to not be working more than 8 hours a day when Chris arrives here on February 14th, so I am front-loading my efforts.
Today is also both Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in the States, and Inauguration Day. And the less I say about the sheer irony of that juxtaposition the better. For me and for you. You don’t come here for rants, and a rant honestly has never made anyone feel any better. Especially not me, who prefers calm waters and everyone getting along.
I am in a weird in-between space right now – facing my home stretch at work, but it’s an incredibly busy and demanding home stretch. Dreading saying goodbye to my dearest work friends, but so very eager to be freed from the otherwise absolute lunacy of that workplace. Missing Chris and knowing that this next move won’t bring us together forever, but loving that we will be one step closer. Wanting so much to be with my sisters, taking care of my mother, RIGHT NOW. Hating the cold and messiness of a particularly snowy January in Ohio, but realizing also that this may possibly be my last experience of snow and real cold, on a regular basis at least. I’m trying ever so hard to appreciate the beauty of this season, but it’s a challenge. The dark of winter affects me very strongly – I don’t know if I would go so far as to say I have seasonal affective disorder, but it certainly approaches that.
January specifically is a tough month for me, although it has gotten slightly better these last couple of years. My brother’s death from depression happened at the very end of January, 2009. My diagnosis of Stage 3 breast cancer came at the very end of January, 2014. Since that time January has always felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop. This week I will meet with my oncology nurse practitioner, Marla, who has become like family to me. It will be our last visit due to my upcoming move, and she will likely take me off of the anti-estrogen medication I’ve been on for the last 10 years. Which sort of terrifies me, to be honest, although my bones will thank me, and I do know that pretty much all cancer medications become ineffective over time. So, does my body really need this med? Probably not. Probably.
I went to my favorite local park yesterday – it is a 7-minute drive from my apartment and has become a refuge of sorts for me. It is an educational center and an arboretum, and they encourage feeding the birds. During these winter months I have ventured into the park several times a week with my baggie of seeds and peanuts. I place little piles of this food on trail markers and just watch the birds feed, taking photos of the ones waiting in the wings (Ha! Pun!) for their turn. The tufted titmice, chickadees, and nuthatches quickly grab a seed and leave to eat it elsewhere. Blue jays prefer peanuts and also don’t hang around long. The cardinals and woodpeckers, though, hog the feeding station until they’ve eaten their fill. Many people hand feed the birds, which I have only done once – I prefer to observe – but that one time was magical. I had to force myself to go out into the cold yesterday, but I’m so glad I did. Often self-care is doing the thing you don’t want to do because you know you will be better off for having done it.
I’m thinking of you today, friends. Take good care of yourselves. Seek the light. Eat the veggies. Be gentle yet firm with yourselves. We are our own parents now, most of us. We still need parenting because deep inside we’re all still children, aren’t we? Needing that hug, that guidance, that reassurance that everything will be ok.
Hello, friends. The title of this post, Unwritten, is my one-word theme for 2025. Because, guess what? I am retiring at the end of February. The “project” that needed “tweaking” I wrote about in my last post was informing everyone in my department of my plans – I had given my notice formally to HR the week before, but I was a little nervous about letting the cat out of the bag completely until I told my immediate coworkers last Wednesday.
Do you remember the song “Unwritten” sung by Natasha Bedingfield in the early 2000’s? The lyrics in part go, “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” It’s very much an empowerment song, and it feels appropriate for this major transition I’ll be making. One chapter of my life is coming to a close and the next one sits before me, outlined carefully but not yet written.
Initially I’m going to move to Connecticut to help my sisters take care of my mother. Chris will come here half-way through February to spend my last two weeks in Ohio with me, then help me move what little stuff I have here to CT. The timeline after that is fuzzy, it all depends on the situation with my mother, but eventually, at some point, I will be moving to New Zealand. To be with my husband! What a concept!
I am very, very, very, very ready to retire. I have so much I want to do, so much I want to learn. I’m excited.
Speaking of “so much I want to do,” here is my 25 for 2025 list:
Retire!
Send updated addresses (CT and NZ) to all my friends
Read 25 novels
Get new eyeglasses
Grow my hair to ponytail length
Get a new pair of trail sneakers
Figure out the next level of camera gear I want
Get a massage
Memorize one poem
Do one meat-free month
Get into a sunscreen habit
Get into a nightly skin-care habit
Play around with temporary tattoos
Write in my computer-based journal every day, even if it’s just one sentence
Shift my Instagram account to better mirror the Measure of Calm theme
Hike with Paula
Do an overnight trip to Kapiti Island with Chris
Meet with a trainer at the gym to create a strength training routine that doesn’t require machines
Join a photography club
Update my birding life list
Increase my proficiency with Adobe Lightroom
Increase my proficiency with my camera
Go to the beach with Sam and Pokey
Go to Martha’s Vineyard
Spend a weekend with my college friends
I’m tickled pink that, inspired by me, both Chloe and Sam have created their own 25 for 2025 lists. It really is a fun exercise, much more fun than making a New Year’s resolution that you’re pretty sure you’ll never keep even as you make it. All of the items on my list, even the challenging ones, are things I know I will enjoy. Give it a try!
“You’ve Got Mail” is one of my favorite movies. In it, the characters played by Meg Ryan (Kathleen) and Tom Hanks (Joe) only know each other online (or so she thinks). At one point Kathleen asks Joe if they should meet in real life. Joe types, “We should meet. And we will meet. But I’m in the middle of a project that needs…tweaking.” The plot is too convoluted to go into here, but I have always loved that line.
I’m not posting my one word theme for 2025 or my 25 for 2025 until next weekend because…I’m in the middle of a project that needs tweaking. I know, I know. You’ve been counting the days until today, waiting feverishly for my 25 for 2025 list. I’m sorry. You’ll just have to wait a little while longer. In the meantime, please enjoy these photos, all taken today.
I drove up to Lake Erie this morning. It was snowing all day Friday and Saturday so I didn’t get out much, but today was without any real precipitation, and even promised a little bit of sunshine, so I continued my quest for a photo of a snowy owl. I drove up to Fairport Harbor, where a snowy owl has been seen nearly every day for the last month (just not on the days I drove up). I joined the little group of brave photographers waiting in the frigid weather (single digit wind chill) for that owl. I stayed for about an hour and a half, warming up in my car halfway through, but no snowy owl showed up. I cut my losses and drove to the next location, Cleveland Lakefront Nature Preserve, as a northern saw-whet owl had been spotted there. Northern saw-whet owls are tiny! They are about the same weight as a blue-jay, and the one that I saw (I saw it! Proof above!) was about the same size as a softball. The only reason I was able to find it is that someone else had found it first and showed me. It was asleep the entire time I stood there watching and clicking. I wish I could have seen its owl-y eyes, but I’m feeling so lucky to have seen it at all.
And oh, yes – that bald eagle was spectacular, even though he didn’t stay long enough for an extensive photo session. And the deer – those eyes! They were right next to the trail, and stole my heart.
Last weekend, when I wrote just a tiny bit in my blog post – I was exhausted. Work had worn me to a nub. But I found a different perspective over the following days, and that has made all the difference. I’ll explain more next week.
Have a wonderful week, and I’ll see you next Sunday.
I’ve been working on my 25 for 2025 for the last few days, and trying to figure out what I want my theme to be for 2025. I have made quite a bit of progress, but I’m not quite ready to commit them to this blog space yet. It’s been tough at work and the weather’s been crap and I don’t have a lot of mental energy at the moment, but I will be back next weekend, I promise.
Yesterday was the Winter Solstice here in the northern hemisphere. The shortest day of the year. I love the Winter Solstice because on that day I know that it has gotten as dark as it’s going to get. Each day after will be a little longer. Even a minute more sunlight each day makes me happy. Well, “makes me happy” might be overstating it a bit. “Helps me through” is probably more accurate.
I’m crazy-busy at work but still trying to get out with my camera as much as possible. Some days, if the weather is particularly fine, I will use my lunch hour to go to a nearby park for some nature therapy.
2024 is drawing to a close, and when I looked at my “24 for 2024” list recently, I was impressed that I actually accomplished the majority of my goals (as in, more than half – lol). I didn’t find the perfect thrifted red hoodie, but I bought myself a red “Boston” tourist hoodie during one of my visits to Sam. I read way more than the 24 novels I hoped to read (especially if you count audio books). I didn’t get new eyeglasses, didn’t take a photography class, and I won’t be spending Christmas in Boston – but I did take at least one trip that requires a passport, photographed birds along the shores of Lake Erie (proof above!), and celebrated Sam’s and my mom’s birthdays with them in their respective homes. I’m going to call it a win.
There will definitely be a “25 for 2025” list, and a one word theme for the year as well. 2024’s word was “Strong” and it ended up being appropriate for all that was required of me this year. I will share my list and theme with you in my next post.
Take care, my friends. I know this next two weeks can be a bit much for many of us.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted here. In that time I drove to New England and back, began the busiest time of the year at work (one week in and I want it to stop), and spent some lovely moments in nature.
I bought myself the photo editing software Lightroom during the Black Friday sales and I’ve taken my wildlife photography one step forward by taking my photos in what’s called RAW format instead of jpeg. I just wrote and deleted five times what this means, because every explanation is really boring. So, suffice it to say, I’m able to do a lot in editing what the camera used to do for me. I’m enjoying the challenge. And just to be clear, of the photos above, the up-close ones are taken with my Canon camera and the landscapes are taken with my iPhone. I love using both whenever I go out.
With the leaves gone from most of the trees now, I’m able to see lots of hawks! I will post more hawk photos next week, but pretty much every day that I’ve gone out lately I’ve been able to take a picture of a hawk. This is really exciting, but what I *really* want to take pictures of are owls. Oh, I am so eager to get an owl photo. I look at Instagram and see so many owl photos – you would think they’re on every corner (perched in front of the Dunkin’ Donuts). But I have yet to catch a glimpse (except for last December when I saw an eastern screech owl, but that’s just because everyone knew where he lived).
I’ve been sitting here with still fingers trying to decide what else to write. What have I been thinking about lately? It’s been difficult with work being so busy, but I’ve been trying to rise above all that stress and remember what is real and what is important in life. Last Sunday I reached the milestone of ten years since my final cancer treatment. That has been on my mind. Chris, Sam, Chloe. They are always on my mind. My mom, my family, my friends. My relationship with the natural world, and how I experience and share that with my photography. When I think about what I want the rest of my life to contain – wrap up those those things I just mentioned and that’s all I need. The knowledge that life is short, my interactions with my loved ones, and the miracle of nature. Everything else is just noise.
I hope you have a wonderful week. Northern hemisphere peeps, stay warm. Southern hemisphere peeps, don’t gloat about your flip flops and shorts. 🙂
This Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the US, and so, since all words left me as soon as I started typing this post, I will let you know what I am thankful for right now:
Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress. She gives me hope that our country isn’t quite as broken as I fear.
How nature, over and over and over, saves me.
The fact that I went out into a pretty yucky, gray day today with my camera, expecting absolutely nothing, and was surprised by about 40 trumpeter swans gathered on a pond. And THEN, gradually, in groups of 5-8, they flew off, flying right over my head. Magical.
Clean sheets, heat, and fuzzy socks.
Knowing that I will be spending this Thursday with my sisters, my mother, and my child. And my grandson Pokey.
The community of nature photographers I’m slowly becoming a part of on Instagram. They have been so kind to me, and everyone is so supportive of each other. It feels like some sort of alternative reality where social media is a good thing.
Coffee. I never (well, hardly ever) drank coffee before Covid. I was always a tea gal. But now I’m one of those annoying people who rhapsodizes about her morning brew. It really does feel like a gift from the universe every single time.
My fleece-lined Crocs.
Cheese
This moment
Being able to check out and read books from my local library on my phone. I mean, that’s genius, right?
You dear people, who seem to find something worthy of your time in my weekly ramblings.
